Gossip Girl: Blood Is More Of An Asshole Than Water

It’s time to read Bart Bass’s will. Lilly won’t be there because she is in Boston with Rufus trying to track down their secret monster adoption nightmare. But Chuck has asked Blair to go with him, and the mysterious new character Uncle Jack will be there, of course. Oh, and here we go, Nate shows up at the last second because he figured Chuck could use “backup.” Backup? Take it easy, T.J. McCabe. Besides, if Chuck ever needed backup it was probably last week when he almost fell to his death from the roof of a burlesque club, but OK, you thought he needed backup.

Quickly, Uncle Jack is made Chuck’s legal guardian. Wait. I’m no lawyer, but I feel like the reading of a will is a very specific legal procedure, while the state’s assignment of legal guardianship to teenagers is a completely separate issue. Then again, when Chuck and Uncle Jack are negotiating the rules of their relationship and Chuck asks “can girls sleep over at night?” Uncle Jack does make an awesome “yes, please,” joke that hasn’t been this funny since Austin Powers, so, you know, sustained. Recess. Put him in charge of all the children, and then put me in charge of all the mouth guns. (Mouth guns?) So, the board retains 29% of Bass Industries and Lilly gets a 20% stake in the company, but as Uncle Jack points out “that still leaves 51%, that’s the controlling interest.” Math lesson! This show is for toddlers.

In addition to a billion dollars, Chuck’s inheritance also includes a letter from Bart. “If I don’t read it, will I still get my inheritance?” he asks. “Well, yes,” says the will guy. “Then I’ll pass,” and he walks out of the room, because of how classic it is for fathers to write their son’s really mean-spirited hyper-critical letters making fun of them to be read after they die. Total burns. But Uncle Jack snatches the letter out of the will guy’s hand and insists that Chuck read it because it represents Bart’s final wishes. And Blair is like “you have to read it, Chuck,” but Chuck refuses, and so Blair reads it out loud. The letter says that Bart is leaving the controlling interest in Bass Industries (that’s 51%, FYI) to Chuck. Bear in mind that the executor of the will is nowhere to be found, it’s just Chuck and Blair and Uncle Jack and Nate in a foyer, so this is all totally legal. In fact, most multi-billion dollar businesses are handed down to teenagers who are still in high school via Facebook, so if anything, this is OVERLY formal. Uncle Jack is so mad. He’s such a snake. You know how I know he’s a snake? This is how I know:

Snaketown, Population: that wink. Also, why is he winking at Nate? If he winked at Blair it would be one thing, they have a made up history that we just learned about last week and that is supposedly very intense even though it was just made up. But Nate? This wink either says “obviously I am a villain, which we all pretty much figured out last week,” or “I’m going to fuck you, Nate Archibald.” Or both, it could mean both.

Chuck doesn’t even want Bass Industries and he tells Uncle Jack to take it, but Blair is like “Chuck, this is what your father wanted for you, he had faith in you to run his multi-billion dollar real estate corporation. You can do it!” Um, no he can’t. He’s 17 years old. So anyway, the next day Chuck shows up at his dad’s office and tells Uncle Jack that he wants the job, and Uncle Jack is so mad because he is a snake and Nate won’t fuck him. Chuck is like “I’m ready,” which is not true, but OK. And Uncle Jack leaves and now Chuck is in charge of the company, because again, that is how it works. You just walk into the room and say “give me it,” and a company is yours and no lawyers have to be present at all. It’s so perfect.

But Uncle Jack is not done. He sets up a secret snake mission to outsnake everyone. First, he sweet talks Blair on the phone and they agree to host a surprise brunch for Chuck to celebrate his taking over the company. Then at night he goes to Chuck’s apartment with a bunch of hookers and is like “Cocaine Party!” So what happens is that the next morning at the secret brunch, Uncle Jack is like “Hey, Blair, why don’t you show these really powerful and important board members to Chuck’s office which is right upstairs in the same building where we’re hosting this brunch somehow but don’t worry about that detail and also where he is doing a bunch of cocaine with hookers. I’m sure these old people will love to meet him,” and Blair is like “Done.” Whoops!

The board members are like “Jolly bad show, guvnah,” or whatever, and Chuck is like “oh no, I never could have imagined that doing cocaine with a bunch of hookers in my dad’s office one day after inheriting his company and also a billion dollars would possibly backfire on me!” He confronts Uncle Jack because he knows that Uncle Jack set him up and Uncle Jack explains that he had to get control of the company because he deserved it because he used to run the Australian division? He also explains that Chuck is going to lose his CONTROLLING 51% INTEREST in Bass Industries because there was a “morality clause” in Bart’s will that stipulated that if Chuck was ever caught doing cocaine with hookers in his office the company would be immediately transferred to his legal guardian, which is Uncle Jack (yes, please!) Sure. Again, for those of you who don’t know how the law works, one of the main rules of a “morality clause” is that it has to be kept a secret and revealed only when you break it. That’s how the law works. Overruled!

Chuck is sad about losing the thing he didn’t want five minutes ago, so he goes to Blair’s house, but she is like “nope,” and that seems to be the end of Chuck and Blair although obviously that is not the end of Chuck and Blair.

MEANWHILE, Dan is still keeping the BIG SECRET from Serena, which is that his dad and her mom have a secret spooky wonder baby together. The mean girls overhear him at school talking to his dad on the phone, and when he says “But dad, I do not like lying to my girlfriend Serena. I would like to be honest with my girlfriend about this big secret,” they know something is up. Then Nelly spies Dan talking to Vanessa in a candy store (???) and steals Dan’s phone, because that is the easiest way to figure out what is going on. It’s so much harder to listen to every conversation that Dan has with everyone that consists of “but how will I ever tell Serena the big secret about how our parents have a baby together that they gave up for adoption and that’s why they’re in Boston together is to find out what happened to him?” Just steal his phone. Gotcha.

Also, baby Gossip Girls are back!

They should have their own show. Also, what was up with the candy on this episode?

Anyway, now everyone knows the big secret, and Serena is really upset. Gossip Girl compares them to the tragic romance of Romeo and Juliet and then adds “but at least Romeo and Juliet didn’t share DNA.” Um, Dan and Serena don’t share DNA either, you fucking idiot. They share being the worst, yes, but that’s it. Eric and Jenny also find out about the secret hidden hush-hush baby and they are like “well, I guess this explains why we fight like siblings.” Does it? Because you’re not siblings at all, so I don’t know how this explains something that doesn’t exist.

In Boston, Lilly and Rufus are having no luck finding their stupid fucking who cares baby. Lilly thinks they should just go back to New York and can keep trying from there, but Rufus is like “what about what I want?” Seriously, Rufus? Is there anything in your entire life that is not about what you want? He is the most petulant, selfish, self-centered, spoiled brat on this entire show, and this show features the entire cast of Gossip Girl! So they stay and have sex and WHAT IS THAT ON RUFUS’S ARM?

He was like “I need something that lets the world know I’m insufferable without me having to open my mouth.” Finally, the adoptive father of their taboo no-no baby calls and agrees to meet them and tells them that their son is dead. The end. I wish. But later his wife meets him at the restaurant and is like “is it over?” and he suggests that the adopted humphrey-van-der-woodsen-teenage-love-child is actually alive, and it’s their real son who died, but they had to cover it up because Lilly has a lot of money? Is that how it works? When you have a lot of money you can just buy back your abandoned babies, like when Chuck bought back the burlesque club. Well, that was a good twist in that it was mildly dramatic, but a bad twist in that now we’re going to have to keep dealing with this storyline.

When Lilly and Rufus get home, Lilly tells him that she’d always thought they were connected by their dramatic red herring baby, but now that he was dead she realized maybe they were never meant to be together. What? After all of that? This woman plays more mind games than Criss Angel. But when they open the door they discover that Eric and Serena are already there and it’s one big happy family.

A big happy family in which the siblings are fucking. Because if Lilly and Rufus are going to be together, then that actually does make Dan and Serena siblings. Mo parents mo problems. Shut it down.