One aspect of fake rap that we haven’t addressed yet is just how fucking depressing it is. We can make our fancy Pitchfork arguments about how it treats a mature musical genre as a childish joke, which has a weird undercurrent of post-colonial racism to it. We can talk about how even though all musical parody is pretty terrible, fake rap is particularly terrible because it has a tendency to make a mockery of black culture at large in a way that, say, a folk song with joke lyrics doesn’t. That’s why old white men feel the need to jerkily jab their hands out and wear their pants around their knees, because that’s what “they” do, right?
The point is, there’s lots of stuff to talk about with fake rap, and we will until it’s GONE, but today’s lesson is about the historical tendency of fake rap to be the most depressing shit ever. Even this week’s Super Broker Shuffle, which we determined was a strange, hilarious anomaly that we could let slide, is still a bunch of mid-western middle-managers rapping about their low prices on bulk food distribution orders, if you see what I am getting at. Those are depressing people doing a depressing thing! Today’s video in which a magical microwave genie in a Fat Boys outfit raps about the proper preparation of a Wendy’s hamburger, used in the 1980s to train the grill chefs, demonstrates just what kind of a sad, despicable legacy we’re up against.
Like it isn’t bad enough that you’re a line cook at Wendy’s but you have to watch this shit to learn how to be a line cook. End it. To be fair, I do love that the first guy’s reaction to a microwave that is SMOKING and FLASHING COLORS is to go “aw, great,” and shake the microwave. That ought to get rid of the dangerous electrical failure ghosts! But I hate everything else.