Soulja Boy Was Robbed By Scary Monsters

Soulja Boy’s house was robbed at gunpoint over the weekend. Oh no! If that can happen to Soulja Boy then it could basically happen to any 18-year-old with a surprisingly successful recording career fueled by self-promotional YouTube videos and the kind of unbridled materialistic enthusiasm that suddenly wealthy 18-year-olds evince so well who lives in a well-appointed but kind of anonymous subdivision McMansion filled with customized X-Boxes and Sidekick IIs and bottles of Patron. Anyone! According to initial reports, six men were involved in the robbery, but since then two creatures from the Black Lagoon (not racial) released a video (via BuzzFeed) claiming sole responsibility for the act.

Robbing Soulja Boy at gunpoint is one thing, but what’s really rude is that they make it seem like it was Soulja Boy’s own fault for opening the door in the first place. OK, vampires. And this whole “no one opens the door at four in the morning” thing? He was just being polite, you creeps! When you are playing X-Box at four in the morning with the entourage that you pay specifically so that you’ll have someone to play X-Box with at four in the morning if you want to, and someone knocks at the door, it’s only polite to ask Arab to open the door for you. That’s what he’s there for. I hope these guys get a taste of their own medicine one day. Like, someone will ask them for the time, and as they look down at their watch (which used to be Soulja Boy’s watch), the person who asked them for the time will throw them off a bridge. Tit for tat.