An Important Message From Pee Wee Herman

There’s something really funny about how specific this is. Don’t do crack. We can deal with other drugs later, but right now Pee Wee Herman really needs to talk to you about crack. It is NOT glamorous! Was crack ever glamorous? Did children used to put pieces of white gravel from the driveway into their father’s pipe and hold their pinkies up in the air while pretending that their living room was the most glamorous crack party with all the stars? “Ooh la la, I’m a millionaire. More crack, Mr. Trump?” I think Chairy told Pee Wee that she heard from the King of Cartoons that crack was glamorous while Pee Wee was high on crack imagining the conversation because Chairy and the King of Cartoons don’t exist.

Also, why did they have to break down the fourth wall like that? With the stage lights and the camera pulling in on a dolly? An important message about crack rock cocaine from Pee Wee Herman and Bertolt Brecht. “I was going to try crack, but the verfremsdungeffekt in this PSA I saw really made me reconsider the role that capitalist society plays in the alienation of my own desires.” Huh?

AND WAIT, what’s really bad is that we don’t know how much crack it takes to kill you? That’s what’s really bad, guys. Maybe one day science will discover how much it takes and we can do just a little bit less than that, but for now we should just avoid crack until the dosage is worked out. Patience!

Who made this thing, Barney Bush?

Not that Pee Wee doesn’t have a point. It’s not worth trying crack to find out if you did enough to kill you. Or did enough to turn you into this lady:

Don’t even try it.