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Tom Cruise Has A Lot In Common With The Nazis, Says Tom Cruise

The ill-fated Valkyrie opens next week, starring Tom Cruise as an eye-patch wearing Nazi who organizes a plot to kill Hitler. NO SPOILERS. He’s been hitting the interview circuit to promote the movie and to re-establish his image after all that couch jumping and Matt Lauer insulting. Today, the AP reports that he’s got two tough rows to hoe because

  1. Christmas time isn’t necessarily when everyone wants to watch a movie about World War II, and
  2. being a Nazi isn’t the best way to rehabilitate your public image.

TRUE. But the article keeps framing it as “Tom Cruise faces difficult challenges,” or whatever. Really? I don’t think there is such a thing as a challenge for Tom Cruise at this point. He’s earned immunity for the season finale.

Don’t get me wrong, EVERYONE thinks Tom Cruise is CRAZY, but even if he was asked to stop making movies (which is something I dropped in Hollywood’s suggestions box months ago) he could still buy his own private continent and hire a team of scientists to develop a medical process by which all the blood in his body was cycled out and replaced with champagne. Then he could spend the rest of his days on his man-made beach constructed out of ground up diamonds, sipping on liquid gold and barking orders at his butler, Vladimir Putin. The point is, dude is all done. He crossed the finish line 15 years ago.

No, Tom Cruise isn’t facing some tough challenges this holiday season. These guys are facing some tough challenges this holiday season. This guy is facing some tough challenges this holiday season. Tom Cruise is not. Although he is facing some tough challenges as far as not being insane and completely detached from reality are concerned:

From the article:

Cruise’s Stauffenberg is, like many of the actor’s roles, an embodiment of determination. With a similar steadfastness to Ethan Hunt of the “Mission: Impossible” movies, the striving agent in “Jerry Maguire” or the more demented determination of Vincent in “Collateral,” Cruise’s Stauffenberg is resolute.

“I think there is that part of me, there is that spirit of wanting to engage in life,” said Cruise. “Here’s a guy who worked under tremendous amounts of pressure, and still could be absolutely clear and lucid about his choices and try to push this and drive this forward.”

HOLD ON, PLEASE, PROFESSOR MAVERICK. You aren’t actually comparing yourself to a rogue Nazi who plotted to assassinate Hitler, are you? Like, under absolutely no circumstance would you ever be so presumptuous as to equate your ACTING CAREER with the act of attempting to murder the world’s most horrific dictator from within the ranks of his own army. And even if you did feel that your appearance in Cocktail warranted that kind of comparison, surely you would bristle at the idea of ACTUALLY COMPARING YOURSELF TO A NAZI? EVEN A “GOOD” NAZI?

Watching Cruise promote “Valkyrie,” it’s easy to see a similar indomitable pluck. On his way to a photo shoot, he rapidly changes his shirt, bare chested (and notably muscular) for a flash. Between interviews, he cheerfully autographs a movie poster for a pilot, being sure to sign it “Maverick,” alluding to his “Top Gun” character. He speaks passionately about “Valkyrie,” repeatedly explaining his interest, above all, in entertaining people and “telling stories.”

Oh, I see. Thank you AP reporter. I didn’t realize that he rapidly changes his shirt on the way to a photo shoot. And that he loves “telling stories.” I see it now. Total national hero. Unbelievable bravery. Nazi.