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The Hills: Marriage Is Between A Goat Man And A Plastic Woman

I cannot tell you how convenient it is that Diane Von Furstenberg offered Whitney the job right before her spin-off reality show The City premieres. Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if she didn’t get the job?! Sorry, Whitney, we had to shut down production on your show. Diane Von Furstenberg just decided that she didn’t want weekly publicity in exchange for giving you a desk with nothing on it and a phone that wasn’t actually connected. How great would The City be, though, if it followed Whitney around from one temp job to the next as she managed living in a Bushwick railroad with four roommates? A: very great.

So, Whitney is leaving. Buh bye. Yuck. I’m sorry. No one should ever say “buh bye.” But what else do you say to a Whitney Port? Oh, right. Ciao. You say ciao before you put the gun in your mouth, because afterwards it would just sound like “krow hitrey.”

The real story this week, of course, is Heidi and Spencer’s trip to Cabo. They just needed to get out of the city. It feels so good to get out of the city sometimes. Spencer reminds Heidi that when he first met her she never used to get so stressed out, but now she gets stressed out all the time. Nicely played, Spencer. If this was a radio show, that line would make me think you had absolutely no self-awareness. But since it’s TV I already knew that. Because of how your face looks. Heidi agrees that she gets stressed out a lot now, because of how hard it is dating goat-bearded anti-matter, but insists that Champagne is the solution. Perfect. If your boyfriend is controlling and psychologically abusive and forcing a wedge into your formerly close-knit family, one of the best solutions is alcoholism. Problem solfed. Yuurrrr pretty.

Very quickly we learn that the trip to Cabo wasn’t just a romantic surprise on Spencer’s part, but that he had ulterior motives. Mawidge. The thing is, eloping can be romantic in its way. You and your loved one furtively sneak off to create an intensely personal shared experience that’s exclusively about the solidification of your love, rather than the diffuse and exhausting pomp that goes with a big wedding. NOT SO IN THIS CASE. The way that Spencer proposes marriage to Heidi is literally a nightmare scenario:

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK?

If I was ever kidnapped by Jigsaw and he wanted to brutally strip me of my apathy towards the true meaning and gift of life, he’d put me on a beach with Heidi and Spencer and a bottle of Patron, and I’d have one hour to encase my own head in a bear trap or else I’d be forced to marry/talk to them. Unbelievable. And it only got worse from there.

Right. Classic. Secret wedding on national TV that you immediately leaked to US Weekly upon your return. Complete with garbage rings and everything. “I’ll show you what a wife does.” That has to mean anal, right? That’s the way people talk about anal. Or does it mean divorce? I’ll show you what a wife does: slowly grows disillusioned and eventually takes half of everything. CYNICAL!

We’ve seen enough of them, but there’s another moment where Heidi and Spencer, who are clearly suffering from terrible hangovers and/or are still drunk from the night before, lay on the bed and watch footage from their non-legally-binding garbage clown “wedding” on a video camera. The two of them are standing in front of a picturesque dilapidated Mexican chapel, hamming it up for a video camera that is doubtlessly being operated by someone on The Hills production team. Spencer flashes his baubled leather wedding cock ring to the camera and says “we’ve got the Cabo special right here.” Heidi grins and holds up her glass of champagne or mescal or whatever and says “This is my Cabo special.”

Tears.

Next week: it’s the season finale! But I’m going to be out of town! So here’s your recap: everyone sucks, watch Bromance, Heidi’s mom cries, Heidi should go to jail, can we really squeeze another season out of this oh well I guess we’ll try. Nailed it.