Videogum

Verne Troyer Hates Me

It’s like Abraham Lincoln once said, “you can please some of the people all of the time, and you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please Verne Troyer.” And then he added “Eracism!” and that’s how the Civil War started.

I received this email yesterday:

from: Verne Troyer
to: [email protected]
date: Sun, Dec 14, 2008 at 6:46 AM
subject: You are unbeleivable

You are probably one of the cruelest people that have ever been allowed to write. The reason you write things on this page is because no one else would hire you except for this trash of a site. It’s unbelievable that people read this garbage.

You have no soul. If it would happen that you get hit by a bus and die, no one would care except the people that enjoy this garbage. Which your mother probably loves that her baby boy got such a great job writing on this F*%ked up site. I guess thats what we get from an irresponsible mother like yours. (I’m sure this probably didn’t offend you, being the type of person you are. But if it so happened that it did offend you, now you know how it feels.

Asshole.

Oh no! Verne Troyer is so mad at me!

What’s weird is that I actually went back through the Videogum “Verne Troyer” archives to see what I said that was so terrible that it shattered a movie star’s ego, and I can’t figure it out. Like, I take little digs (I’m not even going to say “are there any other kind of digs with this guy?” because that would lessen me), sure, but every single thing I’ve ever written about Verne Troyer includes some kind of carefully deliberative paragraph about how Verne Troyer is entitled to his grief over Heath Ledger’s death, even if I think that it’s inappropriate for him to be talking about it on MTV News, or how it’s offensive that people with dwarfism are used as comic relief, as Verne Troyer is in Mike Myers movies, even if Verne Troyer doesn’t recognize that it’s offensive. And when the Verne Troyer sex tape leaked earlier this year, who came to his defense? I DID. My point is that compared to the Seth MacFarlanes and Jay Mohrs of the world, I’ve given Verne Troyer the ROYAL TREATMENT.

Not to mention the fact that sending someone a private email telling them to get hit by a bus is way worse than anything I’ve ever written anywhere ever, and totally incommensurate with any perceived offense. And he talked about my mom! Not cool, Verne Troyer.

Although, he was right about one thing: being the type of person I am, this email didn’t offend me. That type of person, of course, being someone who is not easily insulted by insane empty threats sent via email by a C-list celebrity whose career is built around being mocked and exploited by Mike Myers, written after a late night of cocaine-and-Sparx-fueled self-Googling. I’m just an asshole that way, I guess.

In any event, I am taking this opportunity to announce that I now have a FEUD with Verne Troyer.