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The Wire Season 6: Taking On Big Blagojevich

A lot of blogs are passing around this transcript from the Illinois Governor’s corruption scandal:

Get it? Because “shiiiiiit” is something corrupt politician Clay Davis always used to say on the popular HBO sitcom The Wire. That is funny, but I think we can go even further with this. And when I say further, I mean write fake scripts for season 6 of The Wire based on the situation with Rod Blagojevich. After the jump.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

MCNULTY is drunk. He goes to the payphone and calls Beadie who is at home wishing McNulty would be a different person.

MCNULTY

I’m s-sorry, (hiccup), look, I’m working late on a–

McNULTY spots a pair of trashy middle-aged women giggling and drinking Schnapp’s at the bar.

MCNULTY

–police case.

McNulty hangs up the phone and wobbles towards the women, but BUNK gets in his way.

BUNK

McNulty, what do you think you’re doing?

MCNULTY
Come on, Bunk. Now that I am back on the police force in a surprise twist of events, do me a (hiccup) solid.

BUNK
Unh-unh, I’m not helping you pull this shit anym–

Bunk’s beeper goes off. It is important police business.

BUNK

We need to get down to city hall, right away. (To bartender) Could we get him some coffee? Black.

CUT TO:

INT. CITY HALL – NIGHT

MARLO and his CREW are caught in a GUN FIGHT with Governor BOD GAGOYAVOCH.

MARLO

My name is my motherfuckin’ name.

ZOMBIE CHEESE shoots CORRUPT POLITICIAN #1

ZOMBIE CHEESE

Ain’t no nostalgia in this BRAINS here!

MCNULTY and BUNK arrive on the scene, guns drawn. They take cover behind an overturned BUDGET REPORT and start returning Marlo and Zombie Cheese’s fire.

MCNULTY

Mr. Gagoyavich, sir, why are they shooting at you?

BOD GAGOYAVICH
I promised Marlo he could have the vacant Baltimore Senate seat if he gave me a million illegal WMD dollars.

BUNK
Fuck.

MCNULTY
Fuck.

Bunk and McNulty continue to say fuck in differently expressive ways for three minutes. ZOMBIE PROP JOE walks in.

ZOMBIE PROP JOE

Here is your toaster, Mr. BRAINS.

Zombie Prop Joe throws down the toaster and leaves. Bunk lights a cigar.

BUNK

What do you want to do, McNulty?
CUT TO:

EXT. TRAIN TRACKS – NIGHT

McNulty pisses next to his parked car. Bunk pisses next to McNulty.

BUNK

Do you think we did the right thing? Letting those drug dealers shoot the Governor in the face all those times?

MCNULTY
I don’t know if I believe in “the right thing” anymore, Bunk! Everything is so complicated!

BUNK
That’s true! I had also noticed that. It’s like the world isn’t black and white, you know? It’s shades of gray!

MCNULTY
Yeah, although selling a Senate seat to the highest bidder isn’t really shades of gray, I guess. It’s kind of just insane and super fucked up.

BUNK
Yeah, that shit is bananas.

Bunk and McNulty make out for 45 minutes.

THE END.