[Ed. Note: better late.] So, Bart Bass is dead. OR IS HE? My friend Steven has floated the possibility that he’s not dead (quote: i just don’t believe someone is dead until i see the corpse and see someone pee into the mouth of the corpse and the corpse doesn’t wake up and spit it out), which is an interesting theory since we don’t ever see Bart’s body and also how is it that during the SnO.C. he was in the car with the private investigator one minute, and the next minute he’s died in “an accident,” but the private investigator doesn’t even have a scratch? That’s the problem with these collapsed multi-story timelines, you need Brian Greene to make sense of it. But I think Bart Bass is definitely dead for a few reasons.
- This show is a total soap opera, but it is a straight-forward soap opera. They don’t trade in misdirection, and there’s a very strong chance that they would confuse and alienate their 9-year-old audience if they did.
- Bart Bass DON’T PLAY GAMES. He would make YOU fake YOUR own death before he would fake his.
- The episode opens with a New York Journal cover story on Bart’s death, and even if the logic of this show is malleable, the logic of the Fake Paper of Record’s fake fact-checking department should not be.
So, Bart Bass is dead, and you know what that means: BRUNCH!
Everyone’s having brunch. The Van Der Woodsens are having brunch. The Waldorfs are having brunch. Total pre-funeral brunchheads.Wallace Shawn teaches Blair how to properly prepare a bagel with lox, because where else would a high society Upper East Side daughter of a New York fashion icon have ever encountered one? I like that this show insinuates that everyone started having single malt scotch-fueled Eyes Wide Shut parties in the third grade, but Blair Waldorf doesn’t know to put red onion on her bagel with lox. Jewish Writers Being Overly Pleased With Themselves FAIL.
The only two people not having lunch are Chuck Bass, who has not been seen since the news of his father’s death, and Lilly Bass, who has not been seen acting like a normal human adult with two teenage children since ever. She’s in Central Park, talking to Rufus Humphrey, because if there’s one thing that people with tremendous wealth and fragile social reputations have mastered over the long years of managing their empires, it’s that you should always spend the morning of your husband’s funeral traipsing around the city’s open spaces talking to another man about your “guilt.” Fucking idiots.
Dan checks in on Serena before the funeral to see how she is doing. Maybe when they’re at the graveyard, the two of them will accidentally fall into an open grave and everyone will accidentally shovel all the dirt on top of them. Whoops! Aaron Rose shows up to check on Serena a few minutes later. Maybe when they’re at the graveyard, all three of them…
So Dan and Aaron are going to go head-to-head to win Serena’s heart. May the best man kill the other man and then kill himself.
At the funeral, Chuck finally shows up and he is so drunk! He gets very upset when he sees Dan! Everyone explains that it’s because he’s Bart’s son, and he doesn’t have to explain himself. Um, how about just he doesn’t have to explain himself, period. Bart’s son has nothing to do with it. If you ever see Dan Humphrey at a funeral, or a coffee shop, you grab him by the collar and you tell him to get the fuck out. Then Chuck calls Lilly a whore. It’s all very Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.
At the funeral reception in the Van Der Woodsen/Bass penthouse, Wallace Shawn decides that he wants to get married to Eleanor Waldorf right away because something something death something life blah blah something. Oh Wallace Shawn, you had me at Manhattan. Blair resists this shotgun wedding, or whatever it’s called when the bride is 75 years old, but somehow Jenny Humphrey butting her raccoon head in and offering to make Eleanor’s dress seems to seal the deal? Of course it does. Life decisions such as whether or not to get married are often decided by the tossed-off suggestions of wayward 15 year olds. One weddings and a funeral. Classic.
Aaron Rose has asked Serena to go to Buenos Aries for Christmas, but she doesn’t want to go because she’s still in love with Dan. Maybe they should all compromise and go to jail for Christmas. Serena asks Dan what he thinks she should do, and he acts like a little bitch about his muffin? Later he tries to convince her to stay with him, but she is like “you chose the muffin,” and he is like “I asked for cranberry and they gave me apricot, what was I supposed to do, just get back together with you but have the wrong muffin?” Maybe on the way to Buenos Aries, Serena and Aaron’s plane will crash. Into Dan.
Meanwhile, Chuck is going to buy something from the private investigator that is going to destroy Lilly. You know, the thing about when she went to that hospital in France? The crazy thing that is such a secret? WHAT IS IN LILLY’S HATCH? Lilly tells CeCe to buy the information first, before Chuck can, without explaining why she doesn’t just buy it herself, she’s rich, but OK, but then CeCe doesn’t buy it because she thinks that it’s time for Lilly to expose the truth and that is what will give her and Rufus a chance at love. What?
Rufus and Lilly were planning to go on a trip together for the holidays because Serena told her it was OK. Rufus was even packed!
But then CeCe visits Rufus and tells him the surprise secret (and also Chuck buys the secret but then he burns the secret in the fireplace because Lilly tells him “family.”) Uh oh. I guess Rufus will have to tear up the note he left for his children:
Perfect. That ought to do it. Just as long as you leave a note for your two teenage children, one of whom recently RAN AWAY FROM HOME, it’s fine to go on an impulsive romantic excursion with the mother of your son’s ex-girlfriend. It’s called parenting. [Note to futurechildren: if I ever leave a note for you that explains my unexpected absence with “don’t worry–it’s all good,” please feel free to patricide me.] So, then Dan comes home to find Rufus sitting in the dark like the way crybabies sit in the dark.
And he is like “Lilly and I will never be together,” and he goes to Grand Central Station and is like “Just tell me this, was it a boy or a girl?” Oh My Meh.
Gossip Girl returns Monday, January 5th.
Wait a second, IS THAT A FUCKING OPIUM DEN?