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The Hills: Whitney Has Always Dreamed Of Moving To Spin-Off Show City

Most of this week’s episode is a build up to the December 29th premiere of Whitney Port’s spin-off series, The City, which is too bad because I would much rather have seen them work in a bunch of build up to Brody Jenner’s Bromance. The producers worked really hard to weave Whtiney’s storyline into the fabric of The Hills narrative structure, so that it almost seemed realistic that Whitney was being offered a job in New York and was moving there for a career outside of being a “curated reality TV” wastrel. So I would hope the same effort would be made with Brody in the fictional scenario that I have just created in which his spin-off show is also woven into The Hills. I think what would work best is if Brody and Doug Reinhardt got in a staged fight, and then as Brody was getting into his Escalade he was like “OH NO, I JUST LOST MY BEST FRIEND. YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, I SHOULD FIND A NEW BEST FRIEND TO CHILL WITH AND JUST BE BEST BROS. A BROMANCE IF YOU WILL. I WILL START LOOKING FOR ONE IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS I THINK.” You know, something subtle like that.

Because it wouldn’t be any more gratuitous or impossible to believe than what they did with Whitney:


Even if we didn’t know that this was all just expository make believe to explain why Whitney Port is moving to New York, this would still be unbelievable. That is not how anyone talks about anything. There is no boss who is like “I think you should move to New York. I’ve set it all up. Do you need some pocket money? Here, take my watch. I’m going to miss you.” Calling this show out on all of its inconsistencies and fabrications is getting to be a full-time (and full-boring) job, but it’s not like they leave us with much choice. AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU COULD GET A CONTINUITY SUPERVISOR, THE HILLS.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt is sad because her new boyfriend makes her cry. And her new boyfriend makes her cry because he won’t drive over to her house. That doesn’t even seem like a problem friends have with each other, much less lovers. I wonder what qualifies you to be Stephanie Pratt’s boyfriend? “He didn’t throw a drink in my face and tell me that I looked like the Parade Master at Wigstock, so things are getting pretty serious.” Spencer actually does a good job of playing the concerned, protective brother, always there with a guiding hand and a retarded thing to say.

Yeah, Stephanie, you should go be a nun in a nun’s thing.

Back in Laguna, LC’s parents are moving out of their house (TIMES IS TOUGH). Aw, remember all the memories we had there? No. Because Laguna Beach was even more insufferable and unwatchable than this show. If you were a fan of Laguna Beach, fine, bad taste is subjective, but if you actually give a shit that Lauren’s parents are selling their house then you should become the Lawnmower Man and become the internet so that you can post yourself to FAILblog.

Even Lauren Conrad’s old stuff is annoying.

Next week: Heidi and Spencer’s wedding in Mexico. We can make jokes about how their kids are going to be born with his facial hair and her cheek implants, but truth be told, that “wedding” looks like the saddest shit I’ve ever seen.