Gossip Girl: Dan And Serena Should Lose Their Suicide Virginity Together

Now that Thanksgiving is out of the way it’s going to be a headlong rush through the holiday season and basically it’s already 2009. But before we kiss 2008 goodbye forever, since this is such a forgettable year with absolutely nothing historical to keep it in the history books, it’s time for the SNOWFLAKE BALL, which is what Upper East Siders call the SnO.C. Nice try, Gossip Girl. I know a SnO.C. when I see one. But before we even get to the major drama that unfolds around this annual dance that was strangely missing from last season, this week’s episode was the first time I have ever laughed out loud at the opening expository montage.

You know you LOLZ me, xoxo.

Blair is having trouble picking a date for the dance. She already has a business-like collection of ecru resumes from a collection of suitors along with the necessary information, like their parents’ occupations, but Chuck neatly demolishes all of them because of how well he knows Blair. Really? Chuck and Blair’s relationship is based entirely on hate-fucking in the back of chauffered vehicles. How well do they really know each other? I get that they both want to do it with each other and it’s their pride slash fear of commitment (you know, high school stuff) that’s getting in the way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they know a single thing about each other. That would require a conversation that lasted longer than two barbed quips. Anyway, Chuck and Blair make a bet to find each other dates to the SnO.C. If Chuck likes his date, then Blair gets his limo for three months, but if Blair likes her date then Chuck gets Dorota. Finally. The show has gotten over its puritanical resistance to plotlines about human trafficking.

Vanessa is hooking up with Nate again, but it’s a secret. But then it’s not a secret because someone takes a picture of them making out and sends it to Gossip Girl for the pre-requisite bi-weekly reminder of why this show is called Gossip Girl. Jenny is so mad at Vanessa for sneaking around behind her back, but then Vanessa throws it in her face that she was the one who did the behind-the-back-sneaking in the first place. Vanessa is like “fine, you know what, I am going to go to the dance with Nate.” Classic. It’s not a party until someone is attending out of spite. One of the nameless Blairbots shows up at the Brooklyn loft hoping Jenny will make her an original dress for the SnO.C. even though she and Jenny hate each other. Jenny agrees because C.R.E.A.J. Together they end up hatching a plan to get back at Vanessa that involves a see-through dress and a spotlight. TOTAL BURN. It’s particularly helpful that Vanessa agreed to put on any dress that Jenny gives her, ever, without looking in a mirror or thinking about it, no questions asked. Jenny has second thoughts but then it’s too late, the plan is totes in mosch. The one snag is that Vanessa actually looks great. Like, better than she’s ever looked before.

How embarrassing? Nate tells Jenny about how Vanessa stole the letter that he wrote to Jenny telling her that he “had feelings for you” but now he’s glad she didn’t get it, because of what a dirty prank she played on Vanessa. It’s like that old saying, friends don’t tell friends that they custom made them a dress that’s going to prove humiliating when Hazel gives the signal to her new boyfriend to shine a spotlight on friends. So Jenny’s prank backfires, only bringing Nate and Vanessa closer together. But it wasn’t really her prank, it was the Mean Girls prank. And Jenny seems to decide to return to school if for nothing else than to wreak havoc upon the Blairbot Mean Girls for being such C Words. Good for her. Rufus will be so proud to pay the tens of thousands of dollars in tuition in order for her to better exact her petty revenge. So many scathing Facebook Status Updates, the private education basically pays for itself.

Meanwhile, Aaron Rose’s ex, Lexi, is in town, and she immediately takes a liking to Dan. Sure. It must be his brooding insufferability, or his unearned self-righteousness. Although, to be fair, Lexi is pretty obnoxious herself. They should get married and spend their honeymoon in a minefield! How roman–BOOM! As Serena says, “it’s a little When Harry Met Crazy.” Shut up, Serena. Aaron tells Serena that Dan’s about to get fucked, because Lexi always sleeps with guys on the first date out of political protest. Which leads Serena to insist that Aaron seal the deal after the dance. Then Dan and Serena are both sad or something because of how they had sex with each other and now they’re going to have sex with other people. Whatever. Someone should spike their punch with bullets.

Chuck and Blair end up picking bizarro Chuck and Blairs for each other. But that doesn’t work, because bizarro recognize bizarro.

Their bet seems forfeit, and Dorota will spend one more day free from the bounds of white slavery. (Dorota’s great, she should get her own show.) But just when Chuck and Blair seem on the verge of a romantic reunion out on the dancefloor, Chuck notices Lilly flirting with Rufus (GET A HOSPICE, YOU TWO) and calls Bart to intervene. Basically, because we don’t need to spend too long on this, but Lilly is still mad that Bart hired a private investigator to collect dossiers on her children. Fair enough. But Bart promises to fire the investigator and become a new man, namely by taking her to the dance. Because that is how adults resolve their marital differences, by attending high school dances. But then something something, who cares, Lilly decides she’s going to leave Bart, so she immediately calls up Rufus, of course, because one negligent, self-absorbed parent can only do so much damage, but it takes a negligent village, or whatever. It doesn’t really matter anyway, because “there’s been an accident” and Bart is obvs the one who’s going to die this season, just as everyone has predicted.

Also, Olympic Gold Medalist, Natasia Liukin:


Next Week: Heaven just got a little more Bass.