The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Kim Zolciak Does Not Have Cancer

There were so many preview clips on-line in the run-up to the Housewives reunion that it was kind of anti-climactic. Sure, it’s exciting for NeNe to threaten to pull Kim’s wig off, and even the moderator (Andy “Whoops, My Life!” Cohen) was taken aback by the vehemence with which Lisa Wu threatened to flip Kim over the sofa, but those things didn’t actually result in wig pulling or sofa flipping. So, you know, meh. But boy, everyone sure hates Kim! Not just the ladies, either. Cohen’s questions to her were more pointed than to the rest of the cast. And when they brought out the honorary sixth housewife, Dwight, he immediately busted all up on Kim’s hairpiece. OH SNAP. It was almost too much to bear. Almost. Except that Kim really brings it on herself.

Personally, as intense as the almost-fights and the Kim bashing were, nothing was as shocking as the part where Kim talked about her hair:

Wait, I’m sorry, what? You had a cancer scare three years ago which is not, ultimately, why you wear a wig, because of how you didn’t have cancer, so that’s something else, which you don’t want to talk about, but everyone is still supposed to be moved by the poignant time where you thought you had cancer but didn’t? We’re all just trying to get through the day, and far be it from me to tell an international celebrity like Kim Zolciak what to use as a turning point in her life, although on that note, what was even eye-opening about the experience? It certainly didn’t convince her to stop smoking, or not date a married man. I guess she came to the stark realization that she had to make her dream of becoming the most hated person on a third-generation spin-off reality show about wallet monsters on a niche cable channel known for pandering to the homosexual population. No, yeah. It’s basically The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.

Will someone flip her over the sofa, please? What does a guy have to do to get a lying, self-deluded attention-hooker flipped over a goddamn sofa around here?