Oh Look, I Just Fixed Heroes

I don’t watch Heroes. You know why? Because Heroes sucks. And you know what? It has always sucked. Please keep your “no way, Ted, it was really good in the first season” arguments to yourself. Yes way, Bill. I watched three quarters of the first season, OK? I was there. And then I left. Because watching that show is like putting your eyes on a hot stove, or drinking XXX poison. Once is enough and three quarters of a season is more than enough. I learned my lesson.

But now it seems like people are catching up. There’s plenty of Heroes backlash these days. That’s fine. I don’t think that I’m WAY COOLER or SUCH A GENIUS for having figured out that this show was terrible before everyone else. No apology necessary! Come on in, the hate water’s fine.

Anyway, I have no idea what’s going on. Did we save the cheerleader save the world? What’s in the hatch? I know the good guys became the bad guys or something and that Milo Ventimiliga’s superpower is the ability to magically not go to jail for statutory rape. Something something another eclipse? Beyond that it’s a mystery. Because i don’t care. Nevertheless, I have just fixed the show. You’re welcome.

“But, Gabe,” you are asking, “how is it that you’ve managed to ‘fix’ the show if you don’t even watch it?” Well, sometimes it’s only through an outsider’s perspective that you’re able to get to the heart of problems and provide the most efficient, reasonable solutions. I just think that we need to take Heroes in a new direction.

Starting with next week’s episode:

Get it? Because this show is a joke.