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The Hills: Lauren Conrad Is A Total The C Word

Audrina was talking to her friend Dino and he totally told her that Lauren hooked up with Justin Bobby, but neither Lauren nor Justin will even talk to her about it, and they’re both angry that she’s even bringing it up. Which means they totally did it. I’m sorry, but if your friend believes something ridiculous about you, it’s really easy to assuage their concerns. You hear them out and then calmly and rationally explain to them that of course you would never do something so harmful and damaging to your friendship, that you care too much about them. The classic turn-around defense where you make the upset person feel that it is their fault for hurting YOU by even thinking such a thing is such a classic manipulative gambit on the part of total the c words. Hitler invented it. He was like “I can’t believe the Jews are making me exterminate them, it’s really hard on me.” Lauren Conrad is a total the c word, and so is Justin Bobby for that matter.

The episode opens with Audrina laying out the whole saga to her “co-worker” Chiara. People on reality TV talk a lot about trying to make the leap from this ridiculous form of entertainment through humiliation to actual acting in actual movies and TV shows, and usually it’s bullshit, but I would like to recommend to Hollywood that they cast Chiara in the big time. She is such a good actor! Look at her trying to pretend like she is paying attention to what Audrina is saying:

Acting! Not that Lauren isn’t also a crazy good actor. Here she is pretending that not only did she not hook up with Justin Bobby, but she is grossed out by the mere thought of it.

Yeah, right. Ew! Justin Bobby! Yuck! She totally fucked his brains out. And Audrina’s right, Lauren Conrad. You are a bad friend, and shady. Those are just facts. Also, what’s Lo doing? Besides pretending that she’s a human being and not an alien from the planet Boring deep in the heart of the Anti-Charisma-9 Galaxy? “Oh hi, Lauren. Whoops, hahahah. You just caught me looking at all my wonderful purchases from the fancy boutiques. What? Putting empty shoeboxes into recycled bags and spreading them out on my bed to pretend like I am a lady? Don’t be absurd! Hahaha. Audrina is weird!”

Seriously, though. When is Lauren Conrad going to consider that you can only lose so many friends before you start to wonder if maybe the locus of control is internal rather than external. That perhaps you’re not the one sane person in a world of crazy. Maybe you are the problem, Lauren Conrad.

Lauren’s shady bad-friendness aside, Audrina is in a tail spin with this whole thing, which is what happens when your friends are all selfish attention monsters and your life is spread across the gossip blogs. She doesn’t know who to trust! Is it just me, or is it weird that last week Audrina and Justin Bobby were going to move in together and this week he won’t even return her calls? He bought her the t-shirt she wanted! That’s got to mean something (that doesn’t have to mean anything).

Audrina’s sister tries to put things in perspective.

So Audrina meets up with Lauren to clear the air, but things just get out of hand and nothing is resolved and maybe Audrina never knew Lauren at all. But more importantly, WHO IS THAT?

Lauren and Audrina probably aren’t even going to be friends anymore after this. It’s just TOO INTENSE. Audrina can’t believe that she lost her boyfriend and her best friend in a matter of days. Although it’s not as hard to believe when you remember that her boyfriend is the President of Stupidopolis and she met her best friend at a casting session. But yeah, no, totally, omgod.

Meanwhile, Heidi and Spencer, blah blah blah. Spencer’s cruelty towards Holly and Stephanie isn’t even believable anymore. Oh, he’s a garbage clown for sure, but this is getting ridiculous. Supposedly they got married yesterday, which I actually think is great news because it means they’re done. Where else can they go with this? For as tired as everyone has gotten of this the-opposite-of-power couple, there was always the mild dramatic tension of whether or not they would get married. And now they have. The end. There’s a twin-sized prison cell complete with nursery waiting for them in the underwater jail deep beneath Whoops Ocean.

Also, I don’t ever watch the After Show because I’m not 12, but what was up with that guy’s shirt last night?

He looks like a professor at Bill and Ted’s University. And what’s up with the proptinis? Isn’t this a show for children?

MTV is an idiot.