The Hills: Still With The Heidi And The Job Thing

First of all, Audrina and Justin Bobby are finally getting serious. OMG, can you believe it? After all these yeazzzzzzzzzz. The thing is, Justin likes hanging out down on Venice Beach because it’s so zenlike, but when he gets up to the Hollywood Hills where Audrina used to live with Lauren it was just so stressed. It doesn’t need to be that way, you guys. Life is like a constant struggle between our individual Venice Beaches and Hollywood Hillses, and it’s up to you to get your vibe chilled. What? Later, at dinner, Justin Bobby surprises Audrina with a gift and she goes “Oh, it’s the t-shirt I wanted.” SERIOUS ROMANCE. The t-shirt she wanted, you guys. Did you ever think the day would cozzzzzzzzzzzz. Justin Bobby acts like he just got down on one knee. He’s like “I don’t put a porkpie hat over my sweatshirt hood over my sculpted bedhead for just anybody.” Except that he does. When it comes to dressing like a post-Apocalyptic jester from the Kingdom of New Hot Topic, Justin Bobby is not exclusive.

Meanwhile, Holly Montag is crashing at Lauren’s. Crashing is what you do when you move into a fully furnished pool house with its own kitchen and bathroom in the sprawling backyard of a 2.5 million dollar mansion in the Hollywood Hills, right? What a mooch! She probably doesn’t even turn the water off when she’s brushing her teeth in the 12,000 square foot poolhouse master bathroom because she’s such a mooch.

Word spreads quickly about Holly’s new home because Lauren sees Stephanie at “school.” Remember? They take “classes” at “school” together. Here they are “studying.”

Total schoolheads. It’s really cool how Lauren and Stephanie both have brand new matching Toshiba laptops. Just a couple of friends hanging out at the library on the Lido Deck of the S.S. What the Fuck, working on their personal computers that they bought themselves and use all the time. If those computers crashed I don’t know what Lauren and Stephanie would do! How would they ever recover their “finals reports” from their harddrives?

But meanwhile, Heidi is still pretending like she got “fired” from her “job.” Teacher, No! What’s worse is we are now supposed to believe that things are getting tense with Spencer and that Heidi is finally starting to realize that he’s more trouble than he’s worth. (Although how can you be more trouble than you’re worth when you are worth zero? Hello, welcome to my mansion high in the Hollywood Zings.) Except that we all know that Heidi and Spencer are still together and will be together forever. Or at least until science figures out a way for two people with the shared brain capacity of a mentally retarded baby chimpanzee to live independently. So, I’m not buying this whole “maybe you’re the problem” stuff.

“This is so boring, this is what you do when you get fired?” Classic. Classic thing someone who knows how the world works says to another person who knows how the world works. Just two human beings having a human conversation. Nothing to see here.

So Heidi “gets” her “job” “back.” She talks to the creepy guy who looks like he’s in a WB rip-off of The Sopranos and he’s like “don’t make me regret that we pretend that you work here for the publicity.” Whatever. I guess it doesn’t do much good to complain that one fake thing on a show about fake things is any faker than the rest. But for the record, this fight in which Stephanie tells Heidi and Spencer about Holly moving in with Lauren is definitely very, very fake.

“How is that an ass?” That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

Next week: Finally, the show takes on the summer’s hot gossip that Lauren hooked up with Justin Bobby, and to be honest, it actually looks legitimately dramatic. Even that stupid plastic faced Sadness Clown from The Hills: After Party said “now next week actually looks like” and then I turned it off because I don’t watch that shit, but didn’t it sound like she was going to say what I just said? It did!