The Pick Up Artist 2: With Negs Like These Who Needs Enemies

This week, Mystery explains that the boys need to work on their “verbal DHVs,” because all of their games are lacking. Wait, all of a sudden saying “Did you guys see the fight outside?” and “My buddies and I just completed a caper and we’re partying like it’s the end of Oceans 11″ isn’t enough to let the ladies know you’re a catch? Argh, where’s my terrifying sex monster notebook. I should be writing this down! In order to test the boys on their ability to sell themselves to stupid women at horrible bars, they must first sell themselves to society women at a fundraiser in Scottsdale. Sure. If these boys can’t embarrass older women into donating to a worthy cause due to the embarrassment of being caught on camera in any way associated with this show, then how will they ever expect to have drunken, meaningless sex with the chubby girl they ended up with after the pretty girl inevitably shot them down?

The questions of who these “socialites” are and just how boring Scottsdale must be that they would agree to let this happen is immediately set aside by the more important question of how will we as a people move beyond the crushing human embarrassment of Rian’s pitch:

WOOF and also YIKES. That is the saddest minute of TV in the history of it. Nice try, Six Feet Under series finale.

Matt wins the auction by recounting an impossibly cheesy and uninteresting story about studying abroad in Italy or some bullshit. Matt always pulls it out for the challenges that involve convincing older women that he’s unthreatening. I don’t know how that’s going to help him drown in desperate pussy (gross, but we must confront this show on its own terms), but it has earned him Tara as a wing woman at tonight’s field challenge (field challenge. Ugh, but again, on its own terms.)

Back at the house, the boys are brought into the kitchen to work on their negs. The purpose of a neg, we are told, is to elicit laughter. Which is fine. The idea that you can engage someone with a friendly round of polite teasing is not very difficult to believe. But it doesn’t seem like anyone really explains the subtlety of this tactic to the boys before having them toss around flat out insults.

Um, is it just me, or do you kind of get the sense that Mystery just hates these nerds now.

The field challenge this week takes place at a bikini fashion show, which apparently is being held in an Olive Garden.

At the reception following the show, whoever gets the most phone numbers will be safe from elimination. This is the best:

Real bikini models! But you can cut the dramatic tension with a baseball bat, since the only person to get any phone numbers is Simeon, for a grand total of one phone numbers. It couldn’t have helped that every single guy tried to hit on the exact same girl.

Your ugly, did you see the fight outside? No? Well my friends and I just finished a caper but I have to meet up with my cousin in three minutes do you want to go to my pool party? Simeon needs to take it easy this week with the grandiose interpretation of the events. Like, after the charity auction he explains how flattering it was that a woman wanted to pay money to go on a date with him, when in reality you know that those women were just donating money for the tax deduction and had the producers of this show put it in writing that they would never have to see or hear from these little trolls-in-training again. And after the field challenge he’s like “this beautiful woman wants to marry me” basically, that’s basically what he said, when in reality she agreed to go get pedicures with him after being hit on by every other guy on the show. TOTAL ALPHA MALE. Anyway, Simeon is safe from elimination. In the end, it’s Sergeant General of the Goof Troupe, Brian, who is eliminated.

Aww. Brian was a good guy. His only mistake was ever deciding to be on this show in the first place.