Historic Trash Talk: The Ultimate Fighter Edition, Part 6

It’s been a couple of weeks since The Ultimate Fighter has given us any striking examples of historic trash talk “in the field.” Mostly it’s all been pretty pedestrian. “I’m going to smash his face” this, “I’m going to make him wish his mom never had a vagina” that. But in last night’s escalation of Juvenile Meathead Prank Wars 2008, we were finally able to catch a glimpse of a common but delightful species of trash talk, the “Whoops,” the trash talk equivalent of a “That’s What She Said.” This is a form of trash talk in which the trash talker’s attempts to take down the trash talkee ultimately backfire due to poor word choice.

So, on last night’s episode, some of the dudes were eating another dude’s fruit tray, and the guy who’s fruit tray kept getting eaten decided to get his revenge by pissing inside his fruit tray so that the next time they ate his fruit tray they would eat his piss. And then one of the guys who ate piss was so mad that he had eaten piss that when he found out another guy was always eating another guy’s sushi, he decided he would get everyone back by putting semen in the sushi so that when the one guy stole the sushi he would eat the semen. This is seriously the worst show ever. It’s like prison Jackass. Because in prison everyone always steals your fruit trays and sushi boxes from the communal fridge and pranks them. A shiv is a prank. OK.

Anyway, the guy who ate the semen (ugh) was so mad that this prank had been played on him, when he was not even the one responsible for pissing in the fruit tray (UGH), that he declared to everyone in the room that they would all have his fecal matter somewhere on their buddies within the next three days. It’s too bad that this show tapes so far in advance of when it airs. We probably missed our window to call the health department and have them lock all the fighters in the house and burn it to the ground. You know, health department stuff. But anyway, the guy who threatens to smear his shit on everyone’s face or whatever, Dave Kaplan, then delivers this proud threat:

WHOOPS. Someone should tell him what it means to “literally top” another dude. Because it’s not a hilarious revenge prank, unless you’re in a really shitty relationship. Although to be fair it can involve fecal matter and semen, so maybe Dave Kaplan knew exactly what he was saying. In any case, barf this show is in the garbage now.