The Pick Up Artist 2: Risky Sadness

This week’s episode is all about “kino escalation” which is Mystery’s Dungeons and Dragons term for “touching girls.” The first thing he makes the boys do is tell him on national TV what their sexual experience consists of. This would seem incredibly embarrassing, except that as soon as they’re done sharing, Mystery invites two prostitutes into the living room, who ask the boys to make out with a mannequin in front of everyone to demonstrate their “technique.” So, actually, the sexual histories thing is the least of their embarrassments. And while it’s true that this isn’t as bad as in season 1 when the contestants had to show how they would kiss a woman by practicing on a peach, that’s like saying that Rush Hour 2 isn’t that racist because Rush Hour is more racist. They’re both fucking racist-ass Rush Hours.

SIDE NOTE: why did the mannequin have a black wig on? I like that this show as specific enough in its desire to have a mannequin with long dark hair, but also did not have enough money to actually get the right mannequin. Outsized dreams, this show. Always shooting for the stars and landing on the moon.

Anyway, as if sharing what we are constantly reminded is their “limited” sexual experience with the world, and then being asked to show the place on the doll where they would touch you were not embarrassing enough, next the boys go into a pitch black room filled with dirty clearance pillows from Target’s home décor section, and make out with Erin, the “professional sexologist.” Hahaha. Right. Professional Sexologist. She’s basically a scientist. Erin explains what a sexologist is by saying “I’m a sexologist, which means that I study sex.” True! She studies sex by having it with men for money. Because she is a prostitute. Seriously. She appeared on this show and allowed strangers to kiss her on camera for money. If you google “erin sexologist pick up artist” it will say “did you mean ‘prostitute'”?

Mystery introduces what the prize for winning this challenge will be.

Dramatic LOLmunk. What follows is 10 of the most excruciating minutes of television as each of the boys takes their turns slobbering on the saddest woman in the world. I feel bad for the woman who dressed up as a sexy nurse on last week’s episode, because if you’re going to go that far in your humiliating quest for fame, it would be nice to at least win some kind of honorary title, but instead she was immediately shunted from any kind of recognition by Doctor Erin, M.Deese Nuts. Also, gross:

This is the part of the show where we are treated to our classic Brianism:

Yes, Brian. Her FUR was all in her face. CORRECT.

Mystery dressed up like a human being for Halloween.

Matt wins the competition, which means he will have the sweet whispers of Mystery in his ear when they hit the field. The goal in Phoenix’s hottest nightclub this week is to “kiss close,” which is Mystery’s Dungeons and Dragons term for “kiss a girl.” No one actually succeeds, even Matt despite having advice from Mystery like “roll your 10d and see if you defeat the Orc in order to rescue the maiden.” Although Rian manages to get some girls back to the “V.I.P.” section (which, to be fair, is about as impressive in terms of difficulty as getting the girls back to the New Releases section of a Blockbuster Video, but OK) so Rian wins. No wingmen this week. NO ONE IS SAFE. Todd is especially not safe, as he is eliminated. His problem before he went on the show was that girls thought he was gay, and his problem now that he’s left the show is that everyone thinks he’s gay.

Next week: Phoenix socialites (sure) bid on the boys at a charity auction. And they say that reality TV producers are forced to manipulate situations in order to get what they want for these shows. Pshhhh.