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Gossip Girl: Blair Has An Itch That Only Chuck Can Have Sex With

We open this week on Blair masturbating. Haha. That sentence. We open this week on Blair masturbating. OK! Dorata, her maid, catches her and tells her that God is always watching. Um, shut up, Dorata. Considering the fact that this woman has been privvy and partner to so many of Blair’s morally dubious machinations, she can set the high horse out to pasture. Anyway, the masturbation is because Blair wants to have sex with Chuck, but he won’t have sex with her unless she tells him that she loves him, but she won’t tell him that because then he wins. It’s all very Cruel Intentions. Well, obviously most of every episode of this show is all very Cruel Intentions. Did you know that in France they renamed Cruel Intentions as Sexe Intentions? That is the best for a million reasons, but one of the reasons is that it’s just more honest. If Gossip Girl ever makes it over there they’ll probably rename it Gossip Actually Young Woman In Her 20’s.

Serena and Dan are trying to be friends again, because apparently the writers don’t understand that Serena and Dan go together like baking soda and a total c-word. Serena suggests that Blair ask Dan for help with her scheme to get Chuck to fuck her without having to tell him that she loves him. Dan suggests that she make herself unavoidable, with the idea being that eventually Chuck’s going to give up on his quest that to be honest doesn’t even make sense in the first place and is probably one of the least likely teenage behaviors on this show about highly unlikely teenage behaviors. Blair decides to take Dan’s advice, but not before telling Dan and Serena what we’re all thinking.

Blair’s plan almost works, but then it doesn’t. And then it almost works again, but then it doesn’t. Also Chuck Bass is the best.

Then at an art opening at Rufus’s Williamsburg art gallery, which half of Constance Billard seems to be attending even though NO, Dan finds out what Chuck and Blair did to Vanessa last week and he tells Blair to be careful with Chuck right when she’s about to finally admit that she loves him, and when Blair hesitates Chuck gets mad and tells her that it’s all over. Snore. Besides, Dan’s advice to Blair, even though he thinks he is being the King of Schemes, was totally acceptable. Blair should make sure Chuck is done playing games. And I find it hard to believe that anyone is a pawn in Dan Humphrey’s game of chess. Anyway, Serena gets mad at Dan for ruining Blair’s chances with Chuck, and Dan feels bad, so he tells Chuck that Blair was going to tell him that she loved him, and Chuck goes to her house and tells her that neither of them love each other and they just like the chase. “Chuck and Blair go to the movies?” he asks, his voice dripping with sexual disdain. I KNOW, RIGHT? CAN YOU IMAGINE HIGH SCHOOLERS GOING ON A DATE THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE THE MEATPACKING DISTRICT AND A HALF LITER OF APPLETINIS? Fair enough. They do love the chase. But then Chuck basically suggests that they wait until they’re older to settle down together? I don’t remember the part of the chase where you get to keep the target on ice until you’re emotionally mature enough to welcome it without dramatics into your life.

The aforementioned art gallery show is for a young artist from RISD, who gets the hots for Serena and asks her out. She says no out of respect for Dan, which is thoughtful and the right thing to do. But then five seconds later she basically tells Dan the whole thing and says that even though she said no she wants to say yes. Well, OK, getting a little bit shitty, but it’s Serena Van Der Woodsen. She’s queen C. Dan tells her that she should date whoever she wants, which is correct, and that should be the end of it. BUT NO. Serena realizes that she actually knew the artist when she was a kid and takes Dan on a giggly trip down memory lane, and when they get to their final destination she’ll probably fuck this guy in front of him too because she’s a star and people need to stop trying to keep her from shining.

Jesus, what is wrong with her? OK, Gossip Girl writers. You know what America wants. Now give it to us.

Meanwhile, Jenny Humphrey blah blah blah. Dress. Blah blah. Eleanor Waldorf. Blah blah blah. Quits. Blah. Becomes friends with the Cobrasnake. Dances around in her underwear, and you are thinking “OMG, she is only 15, that is so exploitative of that photographer,” and then you are thinking “wait a second, Taylor Momsen is only 15, that is so exploitative of this show!” Blah blah, her and Nate make out. Also she is a strung-out droog now.

“We’re gonna need a bigger bus.”