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The Hills: Pre-Staged Love Will Tear Audrina Apart

This week, Audrina is still hung up on Justin Bobby some more, which actually kind of proves that this show is slightly more “real” than people have been giving it credit for lately. Because if it really was nothing but a series of manipulations organized by the producers, then surely they’d organize something better than this lifeless conflict of an airhead’s love affair with a half-wit. You just know that each week when the producers are looking over the call sheets and see Justin Bobby’s name on there that they’re wishing MTV would organize a supersecret force of Black Ops PAs who could cut the brake cables on Bobby’s “hog” without the authorization of Van Toffler.

As usual, Audrina discusses her love problems with her co-worker, Chiara, who says that she is “worried” about Audrina getting hurt again. Sure. She “worries” about Audrina about as much as Audrina “works” at Sony/BMG. Not that the set designers didn’t go to the trouble to find an empty cubicle for the heart to heart. And they even turned on the computer!

username: guest
login: password

Unfortunately, there was not even a blank Excel file that they could open to pretend like Audrina actually had a job.

Audrina decides that she has to break up with Cory (Who’s Cory? Who’s care-y?) to get back with Justin. Chiara thinks this is a bad idea because of how Cory is good to Audrina. We know that he’s good to her because he went home to Australia and when he came back to LA he brought her this 50 cent koala bear toy that he absolutely without a doubt picked up at the airport. What a gentleman!

Audrina gives the best excuse for their break up, too. “I feel like our schedules are so crazy and different.” Really? Because Cory is a professional surfer, and you’re Audrina Patridge. How crazy can your schedules be? Like, is it the problem that you want to hang out on different beaches with nothing to do all day? Is that the problem? Because if that’s the problem then you should totes break up. If you’re not on the same beach page it will never work out.

Meanwhile, Stephanie goes to a club with her new boyfriend who says that he’s going to tell Brody Jenner that he hates him because one time Brody Jenner made Stephanie cry? (Correction: two times.) And that is what girls are looking for, right? A knight in shining armor to tell their enemies that they hate them. Well, that is what Stephanie Pratt is apparently looking for, but Stephanie Pratt is a fucking idiot. But then at the club he totally doesn’t say anything to Brody and Brody is like “I thought homie had something he wanted to say to me,” because apparently you can be the heir to a fortune and spend your life being followed by cameras as one of the main supporting figures on an insanely popular “reality” show and still not have the common sense to know that “homie” is only appropriate to call someone if you’re on a MadTV sketch about the ’90s. Anyway, later Stephanie goes to brunch with Heidi and Spencer, and Spencer gives her the classic Pratt Litmus Test for Romantic Relationships.

ENOUGH WITH THE HARPING ON THEM BEING 40 MINUTES LATE TO DINNER THAT ONE TIME THING, SPENCER. Of all the horrible things that he does every single week, this one is somehow the most annoying. Who cares if someone’s 40 minutes late to dinner once? Especially when that someone’s your sister? Let it go is thicker than water. Then again, what else do they have to talk about? Their lives are completely without genuine conflict or substance. Everything must be fabricated and stretched out to fill airtime. No, you’re right, my bad, carry on. Also, of all the meals that there are, I’m pretty sure brunch is the easiest one to flake out on. Just saying.

Speaking of Spencer, LC was on Dave Letterman last night, and he basically nailed it:

Take it easy, Lauren. People who live in 15-minute houses shouldn’t throw 15-minute stones. Besides, Dave’s got your number too.

OH SNAP. Dave Letterman just took Lauren Conrad to Duh School for Remedial Wake The Fuck Up.