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Coolio’s Rules Seem To Have A Theme

Coolio is getting his own reality show on Oxygen called Coolio’s Rules. I didn’t even realize Oxygen still existed. I thought that somehow Oxygen had gone out of business during the bursting of the first internet bubble. People were like “but you’re not even a website,” and they were like “it just makes sense to shut this thing down.” But apparently I was wrong. Anyway, in the grand tradition (the grandest!) of The Osbournes and Run’s House and Gene Simmons Family Jewels and Hogan Knows Best, it’s a show about how an aging celebrity raises his children. But you don’t even need to watch the show to get a sense of Coolio’s parenting style, since he seems to give it all away in the press materials.

From the NYDN:

If you want to live under his roof, you’ve got to live by his rules, and rapper Coolio has quite a few demands.

The rapper, born Artis Leon Ivey Jr., who is best known for his hit “Gangsta’s Paradise” off the 1995 “Dangerous Minds” soundtrack, and an unusual hairstyle, is laying down the law with his four kids on Oxygen’s latest reality show, “Coolio’s Rules.”

“Rule No. 1: If you don’t work, you don’t eat,” Coolio told the Daily News. “And if you don’t clean up, than you can’t eat up.”

The show follows Coolio as he tries to balance his career as a musician, his catering business (yes, he’s a cook), looking for love, and being a single parent raising his four kids, Artisha 20, Brandi 20, Artis 18, and Jackie, 15.

Rule No. 1: If you don’t work, you don’t eat.
Rule No. 2: If you don’t clean up, than you can’t eat up.
Rule No. 3: If your room is a mess, your plate is clean.
Rule No. 4: If you break curfew, you don’t break bread.
Rule No. 5: If you don’t finish your homework, there will be no food for you to finish.
Rule No. 6: Something something no food!

OK, Coolio. WE GET IT. “A lot of demands.” Sure. Not a lot of punishments, though, huh? Kind of just one punishment and a rhyming dictionary.