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How To Keep Your Little Girl From Being A “Sexy Bumblebee” For Halloween

Okay, not to be all Andy Rooney, but when I was a kid we weren’t even allowed to celebrate Halloween, we had a “fall festival” where we dressed up as Bible characters and sang “El Shaddai” and ate S’mores while the unanswered doorbell tolled incessantly as a constant reminder of our exclusion from every kid’s favorite holiday. But that story isn’t even messed up anymore, now that the phenomenon of little girls wanting to dress like sluts for Halloween is apparently such a huge deal that they had to have an entire segment on CBS This Morning about how to force your daughter to keep her goddamn clothes on until she’s old enough to be a real stripper, which, if you need this advice, she will be:

Is that really happening? This segment, if it’s as necessary as they make it seem, is the most powerful argument for home schooling ever to exist. Child beauty pageant culture is influencing normal people culture? Haven’t these people seen Little Miss Sunshine? And which was creepier, the poorly-constructed mannequin bodies or the pixelated-faced sexy costume child models?