The Hills: Brody Jenner Is Still Alive

It’s Brody Jenner’s birthday! Oh good. I’m so glad he didn’t get run over by a dump truck this year. JUST KIDDING. I don’t wish Brody Jenner, or anyone else any physical harm. I hope that everyone lives long and happy lives. As long as they live them out of my face. But seriously, where’s the US Government’s 700 billion dollar bailout package to address the Brody Jenner crisis? Americans are hurting, they need help. Brody and pals have chartered a private jet to fly to Cabo for a private party at an expansive beach bungalow. Remember when this show was supposed to be about young girls doing exciting internships and trying to make it? Apparently those who can’t do…fly to Cabo on chartered jets to celebrate the birth of a mental vacuum.

But OH NO! Justin Bobby and Audrina are coming on the trip, but Audrina and Justin Bobby are like they mayor and first lady of Drama City. Well, we will worry about that later, but first things first: DUDES ONLY HOT TUB PARY!?????!

Perfect. Nothing like a bunch of dudes just enjoying each other’s company in a hot tub. There will be time for having meaningless casual sex with women they neither like nor are able to sustain a conversation with later, but right now it’s just about a bunch of dudes sweating together with very little clothes on the way friends do. No girls! Doug Reinhardt says “all girls are shady,” and he would know, because he’s retarded.

Oh, and I was lying, we will not worry about the Audrina and Justin Bobby drama later. Or ever. Because we do not care. Although there is one thing that I think needs to be addressed, and that is that Justin Bobby needs to fix his pants.

Justin Bobby! There’s something wrong with your pants! You should take them to the pants mechanic, but I think they’re totalled.

Meanwhile, Stephanie Pratt has a boyfriend. She is sure of it because they “had the talk.” You know, the talk where you tell someone you’ve been hooking up with for a few weeks that it’s time to sign a waiver so they can appear on television. Heidi invites them out to dinner, but Stephanie is not sure what she thinks of that, because despite all of her shortcomings, of which there are a nearly infinite number, she remains human enough to understand that being around her brother is unpleasant, not just for her, but for everyone. But Heidi has a pretty smart rationalization for why she shouldn’t worry about it.

Ouch. Did you see Heidi’s brain just break. She should go to the hospital. And stay there. Although she does have a point. No one else is dating Spencer. Although that’s less of a statement about the autonomy of couples in opposition to outside pressure on their relationship, and more of a statement on who the fuck else would want to? SPOILER ALERT dinner goes badly.

Next week: more water is tread!