After last week’s elimination ceremony in which Mystery told Alex that he was “not ready for this,” we find the boys morose and near tears because they all thought that he was talking about them. Enjoy this last moment of humanity everyone. Because the truth is, NO ONE IS OR SHOULD BE READY FOR THIS. The deconstruction of basic human interaction into a series of dehumanized gaming rules so that you can substitute emotion and intellectual engagement with complex strategies and casual sex is +/- 3 Sadness Points. In just a matter of weeks, these men will have fully transformed into their insufferable, boa-wearing, pierced avatars, referring to a call home to their parents as “opening a two set,” and discovering that self-esteem is a role playing game. But for now, they are still people.
It’s time for the first challenge. In the parking lot of a strip club, Mystery explains that they’re going to have to go inside and charm some ladies, and that whoever does the best is going to win “a secret accessory” from his “private collection” and “lessons on how to use this accessory.” There must be so many barely contained laughs on the cutting room floor of this show because no matter how badly you want to get over your inability to fuck stupid people you just met, that is ridiculous. The boys are in for a real surprise when they walk in and it’s ALL SENIOR CITIZENS. Wanh-wanh-wanh. It makes sense that they wouldn’t have seen it coming, too, because most strip clubs have the words “Bingo Parlor” written on the door as a goof. Anyway. Most of the boys stick to pretty standard casual conversation, although even that is difficult for some of them.
Um, it’s true that old people do have great stories, but they’re also not retarded. In the end, Matt wins, so I guess all that time he spent visiting his “Bubbeh” in the nursing home has finally paid off. She would be so proud.
This brings us to what is always the best part of this entire show: Mystery’s lessons. Imagine a Dungeons and Dragons “Dungeon Master” laying out the rules of the quest. Just imagine that. Because it’s that. Not metaphorically or anything. Dude’s a Dungeon Master.
These guys are going to be drowning in Orc pussy! Seriously, though, Mystery? Still with the “did you see the fight outside?” opener? Can’t get a new opener? Simeon, the guy who says that he was just given the secrets of the universe, should have seriously watched Season 1. Because the secrets have clearly not been changed. And I would feel really bad when Greg says that he just learned that he’s been standing wrong for 26 years but WHOOPS, I can’t feel bad for him because I just killed myself. Meanwhile, Matador is king worst of worst mountain.
Meanwhile, Mystery gives Matt his secret accessory which is a…BOA. What could the lesson on using a boa possibly be? “Try not to die of embarrassment from wearing the boa.” “When you walk up to a girl, try to make sure she doesn’t see that you’re wearing a boa.” “Take off the boa.” So now the boys are armed with their inane stories and their boas, and it’s time to incessantly practice before going to the bar.
So how did it go?
Ouch. Brian, the Spazzmanian Devil, wins, and another part of the show that I had forgotten about from last season is that not only is he safe from elimination, but he gets to pick two WINGMEN to save from elimination with him. Man, this show is perfect. But the pressure of selecting his wingmen almost proves too much for Brian because he considers everyone in the house “like [his] family,” which he compares to “hair on [his] butt.” What? I hope he can use his newfound people skills to keep from getting harassed in METAPHOR JAIL. Anyway, Brian can’t make a decision because he loves everyone so much, but then also he makes a decision. Mystery introduces the seven amulets of power.
Perfect. Seven amulets to rule them all.
Also, I know that it’s already well-tread territory to question and ridicule Mystery for his fashion choices because rarely do you see a grown man dressed like such a garbage clown outside of the German Performance Art community, but during the elimination ceremony, he really outdid himself.
Even Matador’s butter-leather goat vest was like “oh snap!”
In the end, it was the cuss-mouthed young Kevin who was eliminated. He takes it kind of hard (that’s what she said).
And even though he’s only the second person to go, the sepia-toned montage of how far he’s come was kind of stunning and horrific.
He was so unassuming and sweetly nerdy at the beginning, and now he’s just a nightmare. Hopefully he can take his head back to the store where they ruined it and get a refund.