One gets the sense that the main goal in this new season of Real Housewives is to make everything bigger. By moving the show to Atlanta where there’s just more physical space they can show extravagance and wealth on a bigger, flashier scale than is possible in crowded hives of nesting nightmares like New York and Orange County. Well, maybe Orange County was pretty outrageous, but New York was just silly. You have to actually live here to understand why a crappy apartment with a cramped dining room and a closet-sized kitchen is supposed to be the height of success. The city is a vampire. Anyway, it seems like Bravo is achieving that goal. Everything on this show is very ridiculous. But, you know, mo money mo problems, right? And apparently mo money mo horrible parenting skills. Someone should have called child services on last night’s episode, because that shit was a negligent mess. So, who is the worst mom?*
Let’s not beat around the bush. Kim Zolciak is the worst mom. But not just barely, by a ton. She’s the Usain Bolt of worst moms (how many gold medals in metaphor and field did I just win?). As she crosses the worst mom finish line she winks at the camera and all the other moms are like “Fuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu.” I have no doubt that Kim loves her children. You know, like how girls who buy purse puppies love those puppies. So cute! Children are the best accessories for your killer outfit! Last night’s episode focused mainly on the 11th birthday party that Kim threw for her daughter, Brielle. It involved a Hummer limo, a sleepover party in a hotel, and a fashion show. It also involved giving Brielle (11 years old) a Louis Vuitton purse. Fair enough. Forget it, Jake, it’s Atlantatown. But the worst part is not the wanton spending, the focus on material possessions, or the over-indulgence of a child not yet in puberty, it’s the glass of white wine Kim is holding at noon while she yells at the party planner. And then it’s the complete abandonment of the kids during lunch to head down to the hotel bar and get a drink because Kim’s so mad at the party planner some more. Finally, it’s the cocktail Kim’s holding during the afternoon “fashion show”. Jesus, woman. Get a grip or a grip will be gotten for you. By the legal system.
Ne Ne Leakes
I am still on team Ne Ne. She’s self-involved and probably too narcissistic to really give her children the unconditional love and self-abnegating attention they need, but what overly indulged incurious housewife with no ambition beyond “being fabulous” isn’t? Ne Ne’s heart is in the right place, and she wants to do right by her kids. It may be true that she doesn’t know what doing right by them actually means, but she’s trying. Granted, it says something about this show that Ne Ne, who is by all accounts a ridiculous, flamboyant, unaware monster in need of unimaginable amounts of attention to fill the void that is her aimless soul comes across as the least abhorrent. But it’s true. She’s the lesser of so many evils.
DeShawn’s main problem seems to be her confusion over what it actually means to have children. In the same vein in which we learned last week that she sat down with an interior decorator for three hours and then let them fill a seven billion square foot house without any further input from her, one gets the sense that Mrs. Snow would just as soon leave the tending, care, and rearing of her children to the help. Which she mostly does. And again, forget it, Jake, it’s Atlantatown. As long as she hires the most expensive help, maybe that’s even preferable to being raised by a woman who doesn’t want any part of it. But the thing that gets weird is when she talks about how hard it is raising the kids with her husband on the road all the time? Raising the kids? The woman has a personal chef, a personal make up artist, an executive assistant, and cetra, and cetra. I’m just not sure how it’s any harder to ignore your children when your husband’s not there, since it’s the same staff doing all the work either way.
Lisa Wu Hartwell
I am still convinced that Lisa Wu Hartwell is not on this show.
Despite being declared the overall worst last week, Sheree redeems herself as far as her momness is concerned this week. Kind of. For one thing, she gave a quote in one of the interview segments last week that she wanted a seven figure settlement from her divorce from former NFL offensive tackle Bob Whittfield, and that she wanted to ensure that she maintained the lifestyle to which she was accustomed, if not better. But this week they replayed that same quote and she actually says she wants to ensure that her children maintain the lifestyle to which they’re accustomed, if not better. Bravo, the Trickster God of editing! This is much more palatable, Sheree, nicely done. She also talks about how glad she is that the court has forced Bob to take more of a role in the parenting of their children, which is sad, but she wants them to have a father, and the court is making them have a father, and did you see the ridiculous party that Kim threw for Brielle? Sheree did have one major stumble, though, when she sent the kids off for their weekend with Bob by pointing out how important it was for her to have some time just for herself. What? BITCH, ALL OF YOUR TIME IS TIME FOR YOURSELF, YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING. I did not like that part!
*Any mom who would wilfully subject her children to the pressures and sadness of being on reality TV to fulfill her own quest for narcissistic attention-seeking fulfillment is the worst mom.