The Pick Up Artist 2: This Show Is Smokin’ Balls

It’s here. The second season of The Pick Up Artist. Mystery is back to transform a sad group of socially awkward young men into a sad group of horrible young pussy hounds. And this time they’re in Phoenix! I like how they keep talking about that. Phoenix, can you believe it? Yes! I can believe it. You should get this show as far away from actual people as possible. (Not to mention the fact that if this show as taped in New York or Los Angeles, you wouldn’t be able to hear any of the dialogue over all the laughter.) The boys arrive at a house in the desert where they will spend the next few weeks learning Dungeons and Dragons jargon but for fucking strangers instead of fighting orcs. This group looks a little better put together than the last one. I think we might have a couple of ringers in the cast, although on this show the only difference between a ringer and a genuine contestant is that a ringer just pisses his pants when he’s talking to another person, instead of shitting them.

First of all, let’s just get something out of the way, which is an amazing quote from a young man named Brian, because it’s really not going to get much better than this.

Smokin’ balls! Cramazing. I thought he was one of the ringers I was talking about but then he opened his mouth! Anyway, as usual, the boys are brought to one of the hottest nightclubs in Phoenix, and forced to go inside and pick up chicks with absolutely NO TRAINING. Just like last season, we are informed that the bar is filled with hidden cameras and NO ACTORS. Sure. Except that everyone in the bar has to sign a release if VH1 wants to use the footage, right? So they may not be actors, but they’re definitely acting. At one point, one of the guys “opens up a set” (that’s Dungeons and Dragons for “talks to a human”) by asking a girl “Are all the bars in Phoenix this crowded on a Tuesday night?” which is the second funniest line of the show after “smokin’ balls,” because NO. All the bars in Phoenix are not this crowded on a Tuesday night. Only the ones where people think they might get to be on TV. Anyway, Mystery, disgusted by having to watch these guys totally strike out in the game of pussyball, decides that it’s time to show these boys how it’s done. But he’s probably going to have an advantage over these guys with his typical costume of binoculars and fuzzy top hat, right?

NO CRUTCHES! LOLOLOL. No crutches. Fuuuuuck. He truly is the world’s greatest seduction artist if he can go into a crowded bar full of people who know that he’s taping a show, and just walk right up and talk to them without being dressed like a 14-year-old schizophrenic garbage clown. (Note: his wingman, Matador, will not be giving up the crutch of his fur vest for this exercise.) So yeah, Mystery goes in there and just shows how it’s done.

The key to finding love is so much finger pointing and head grabbing. You just grab that head and you shake it. Point your finger in the face and grab that face and you just fuck it and you’re not lonely and a nerd anymore. Perfect.

The next day Mystery takes them to a store and tells them to pick their “avatars” (that’s Dungeons and Dragons for “avatars”). The key to having a successful avatar is to look like a total asshole, and also wear a leather bracelet. Many of the guys also get eyebrow piercings. And haircuts. But I think they’re still in the clothing store? It’s Phoenix, so it’s probably just the one store. You go downtown and there’s the avatar store salon. Comedian Joe Mande remarked that it’s actually the club they went to the night before but during the day. Get under the bus, Phoenix, or I will throw you under the bus. Matador explains why the right avatar is so important.

You know, if you’re a dude at the bar and Mystery walks in, you’ll give him a once over, and that’s all Mystery needs to get. From you. The dude at the bar. After that it’s all over. For you. The two of you. Doing it. Boom, boom, boom.

At the end of the day, one boy needs to go home, and this is that boy:

Mystery tells him that it is because he is not ready for the lessons Mystery is going to be teaching, which is a polite way of saying that the reductive one-line description of what Alex’s problems are with women is not so reductive. He is going to make some guy who’s into the JC Penny version of the Supreme catalog very happy one day.