Last weekend, both Bill Maher’s Religulous and David Zucker’s An American Carol opened in theaters across America. Yikes. I know we live in a particularly partisan time that the pundits like to refer to as a “culture war,” but I’m pretty sure we can all put down our Roe v. Wade guns long enough to agree that Bill Maher and David Zucker should be forced to fight at the edge of a cliff to determine who is the worst, and at the end we blow up the cliff.

Anyway, Religulous apparently took in three times as much money at the box office despite being on one third as many screens. That’s industry talk for “ha ha, aw.” OK, Bill Maher, you are slightly less the worst than David Zucker, I guess? I don’t know how that works. We’ll let the cliff fight sort it out.

But apparently the An American Carol team believes that they didn’t just lose the hearts and minds of the American movie-going public due to the fact that their movie looked like one of the worst things ever, and maybe someone should have told them that Leslie Nielsen and Kelsey Grammar aen’t the box office draws they once (read: never) were. NO. The reason An American Carol did so poorly was because of TICKET FRAUD.

Now, the following message from the makers of American Carol (via Wonkette via FilmDrunk) has been removed from the movie’s homepage, but it hasn’t been removed from the part of my brain that keeps me laughing all day:

We have had heard from numerous people across the country that there has been some ticket fraud when buying a ticket for An American Carol this past weekend.

Please check your ticket. If you were in fact one of those people that were “mistakenly” sold a ticket for another movie please fill out the form below. Hold on to your ticket so we can have proof.

If you have noticed other irregularities with the theatres in your area please let us know in the comment section below. For instance, Rated R film rating (when in fact we are rated PG-13), posters not being up, not being listed on the marquee, image or focus problems, sound issues, etc.

Please email us a picture of your ticket stub to [email protected]

CRAMAZING. Ticket fraud! It would be just like those minimum wage employees at our nation’s cineplexes to take it upon themselves to incite a cultural revolution via surreptitious mechanical failure. Would you like extra LIBERATION on your popcorn?

Seriously, this is the best story I’ve ever heard. Ever. Ticket fraud. I’ve created a map representing where most of the ticket fraud may have taken place.

Did I say where the ticket fraud may have taken place? No, sorry, I meant ridicule. I meant where most of the ridicule may have taken place. Ticket fraud does not exist.