The Hills: The Lauren And Heidi Feud Is The George W. Bush Of Feuds

Even if you pretend that the characters on The Hills are actual human beings, and that as such they inherently have some kind of value on this Earth (God didn’t make no junk, SUPPOSEDLY), there is still the issue of Justin Bobby. He’s like Haley Joel Osment in the movie A.I. except that you would feel a little bad if you cut Haley Joel Osment’s head off and buried it in the ground. If he had been born a few years earlier, Justin Bobby would have been one of John Doe’s victims in Seven. “Become Stupidity.” I’m pretty sure all those predictions this summer that the Large Hadron Collider would create a black hole engulfing the entire world were incorrect, and that the real danger was that the Large Hadron Collider would recreate the vacuum that is Justin Bobby’s head, and we would all get sucked into that. And destroyed. The worst.

So it was nice to see Audrina trying to move on last night by going on a date with some guy named Colin. Except, um, Colin’s retarded. Wait, no, that’s not accurate. People with mental disabilities simply process the world in a different way, and that is totally fascinating. There is nothing fascinating about Colin. He’s like a glass of lukewarm water on a hot day. “Oh, no thanks, that’s disgusting.”

Not that it matters, since Audrina spends their whole date TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN BOBBY. It’s funny because that’s a totally normal thing for people to do when they’re trying to get over an ex is to overshare with the new date. You basically ensure that things can’t work out with this new person by dwelling on the old one and scaring them off. So this could even be a humanizing and relatable thing that Audrina has done, except that of course it’s fake and organized by the producers because WHAT IS THERE TO SAY ABOUT JUSTIN BOBBY. Here is how it would go in real life:

Audrina Patridge: So it’s just like, you know, with Justin, I mean, oh, you probably don’t want to hear about this.
Date: No, please, tell me about Justin.
Audrina Patridge: What?
Date: Go ahead, I’d be happy to listen to you talk about him. I’m sure you must be going through a lot, I’d love to just be there for you.
Audrina Patridge: Um, Justin Bobby…sandwiches…facial hair…we’re just going to edit that part out.
Date: Edit what part out? This is real life.
Audrina Patridge: *suicide*

I did like when Audrina updated her Sony BMG co-worker (Audrina does not have a Sony BMG co-worker because Audrina does not have a Sony BMG job) about her romantic troubles in the natural setting of the bustling BMG cafeteria.

Go about your business, chairs. Pretend that the cameras aren’t even here.

Anyway, things don’t work out between Audrina and Colin. So she goes to the bar with Justin Bobby and tells him that she’s started dating other people and he asks her if when he buys a tattoo gun can he tattoo “on” her butt. He calls her “dude.” He says “dude, can I tattoo on your butt.” NO WONDER SHE IS HUNG UP ON THIS GUY. My hope is that Justin Bobby is buying the tattoo gun so that he can tattoo his address onto his arm so he doesn’t get lost anymore, and then he can put another tattoo on his face that says “take me to the brain hospital.” That is my hope.

Meanwhile, the other plot this week concerns Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag. Seriously, The Hills, ENOUGH. Trying to make people still care about this feud is like trying to get George W. Bush elected to a historic third term. It’s not going to happen and no one wants it anyway. Now that Holly Montag is living in LA she’s like “don’t you guys miss being friends, let’s all be friends” and then she makes Heidi write Lauren a letter and Lauren is like “I don’t know how to read. This letter doesn’t have any pictures!” JUST KIDDING, IT’S POSSIBLE THAT LAUREN KNOWS HOW TO READ, I’M NOT SURE. And similarly, IT’S POSSIBLE THAT HEIDI KNOWS HOW TO WRITE, ALTHOUGH PROBABLY SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. Anyway, Lauren says that she can never be friends with Heidi as long as she’s dating Spencer. Who cares?! I know that saying “who cares?” in relation to a plotline on The Hills might seem unnecessary and even naïve, but you know what else is unnecessary and naïve, but I think you have a serious problem on this show if the only person who’s thinking clearly about things is Spencer Pratt. When he found out about Heidi “writing a letter” (Heidi ain’t wrote no letters) to Lauren he told her to just put it behind her. GOATCHIN HAS A POINT, PLASTICFACE.

Not that he didn’t first insult her sister and then give everyone the dead eye. But he had a point later, after being the worst.

Still, Lauren did pose a pretty intense question when she was sunning next to her 2.5 million dollar pool with Audrina.

“I think it would be really different.” Get it? Because Audrina’s an idiot?