Videogum

I Love Money: Season Finale

It’s been quite a journey, but we finally made it. The season finale. We’re down to Real, Hoopz, White Boy, and Megan. May someone win. You can’t really get too deep into who deserves it more. I guess you could figure out who least doesn’t deserve it. Personally I feel like Megan should win because she’s a horrible person. Isn’t that what this show is about? Who is willing to be the most horrible to please producers and hopefully get asked back for the next one? Just kidding. They’re all horrible. I’m sorry I pretended like one of them was more horrible than the rest.


YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

The first elimination game involves standing on a metal scaffolding that White Boy claims is “6,955 feet above air” (?) and carrying a rag doll across a beam and throwing it off a “balcony.” Megan complains that she’s not going to do well at this event because it’s “physical.” That would make sense, and it definitely fits with how poorly she does in the event, except that Megan is built like a teenage boy’s science experiment. It just seems difficult to argue that you are the laziest person when your job description is “Energy Drink Model.” Don’t be confused: she IS horrible. But she’s horrible for other reasons. Like all of the other reasons.

White Boy wins. He is Paymaster. The Power Dinner in which the other three (Hoopz, Real, Megan) have to plead their case to White Boy is great. Incredible television. Broccoli soup.

It really got me thinking about the sadness of making it to the final four on a show like this. You were in a crazy party house for weeks and now you’re just in a sad reality TV house with three other people you don’t like, recognizing that your chances of winning are slim, wandering around aimlessly under the studio lights trailed by a bedraggled camera crew that would really just rather get home to their families. It’s the kind of existential crisis that even gallons of well liquor can’t solve, NOT THAT THEY DIDN’T TRY TO SOLVE IT.

White Boy eliminates Real. It’s shocking. Supposedly. They were such great friends! How could they do this to each other! Yeah right! However, instead of being asked to leave, Real is asked to sit on a couch, at which point he is joined by the classic Reality Show Jury of Peers, formed by the eliminated contestants Pumkin, Toastee, Heather, Entertainer, and12 Pack. They will decide which two of the remaining three will go on to the final challenge. Except that they won’t. Megan chooses to quit the game rather than face the judgment of these clowns. And fair enough. Megan is an idiot, but she’s not so much of an idiot as to not realize that she is a despised idiot.

Hoopz and White Boy compete in the final challenge. It is a multi-staged competition that criss-crosses over what feels like all of Mexico. White Boy pulls a strong lead, but in the final head-to-head back at the house, when he’s forced to put all of his fellow castmates photos in the order in which they were eliminated, his lead shrinks and then disappears as Hoopz goes for the win. OK, Hoopz. You did it. Hoopz is such a weird character. Like, she’s beautiful and strong, and she even seems kind of cool, but then you remember that she won the first season of Flavor of Love and now she won the first season of I Love Money, and competing on either of those shows, much less WINNING BOTH of them, says a lot more about a person than their toned body and subdued interview segments.

I guess what I’m saying is don’t be fooled, Hoopz is the Black Megan.

The end.