At What Point Do We Just Put Kevin James In Jail?

Kevin James has a new movie coming out called Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It’s about a big fat guy who is so lame and he’s so fat and lame that all he can be is a mall cop because aren’t mall cops the worst? They’re not even real cops! But then some criminals take over the mall Die Hard style and it’s revealed that even though he’s fat and lame and the worst, he’s also got a heart of gold. And is a hero.

Get it? He’s fat! Segway scooter! I’m sorry! This is the worst!

Can we put Kevin James in jail now? Isn’t that how jail works? When people do enough harm to society, you put them in jail so that they can’t hurt people anymore. And by the looks of his body, he’s become a danger to himself as well. So putting Kevin James in jail would actually benefit everybody. Except the people in jail. Sorry, jailies.