The Hills: Even Osama Bin Laden Had A Mom Once

One of the main things that everyone has noticed and thought about in regards to reality television is WHERE ARE THE PARENTS? Almost every single person who has ever participated on a reality TV show has acted in a way that makes you assume their parents must be dead. But they usually aren’t. In fact, sometimes they’re even brought onto the show. That’s confusing. Why are they on the show? Why aren’t they at home developing punishments for their children for shaming the family? Or taking the family’s shame into their own hands? Such was the case on this week’s Hills when Heidi’s mom came to visit.

Heidi’s mom has been on the show before and I cannot express the depth of sadness I feel for her. She seems like such a good mom, and here she is, saddled with one of the world’s worst human beings. This is how Hitler’s mom must have felt when she was on Das Hills. Anyway, she shows up for a surprise visit and is in for a surprise of her own when she finds out that Heidi and Spencer have moved back in together. She explains that she wishes Heidi would have told her this beforehand, with the subtext being that it sucks getting HORRIBLE NEWS when you are surrounded by A CAMERA CREW. Heidi explains that she didn’t want to tell her mom over the phone. What? When you live hundreds of miles away from your parents, telling them news over the phone becomes one of the best ways to tell them news. Also, what? I’m acting surprised that Heidi is a selfish, thoughtless idiot? Heidi explains that the other reason she didn’t tell her mom that Spencer had moved back in was because she didn’t know Spencer well enough. Sure. In my experience it’s always best to keep secrets from your parents until they get to know the people involved in the secrets better.

In order to get to know Spencer better, Heidi’s mom goes out to lunch with him. Now, I would just like to say that Spencer is well known as a reality TV villain. He’s ridiculous, he’s small-minded, he is manipulative and self-absorbed. But nothing that he has done compares to this. For this he should be killed.

MOTHERFUCKER. That is a MOM you are talking to. Where are the Boondock Saints when you need them? (There are plenty of other better, more capable vigilantes out there, but I figure a horrible but retarded monster needs horrible but retarded vigilantes.) Seriously, though, America, it’s time we got our house in order. By having Spencer Pratt assassinated for his crimes against moms.

Later, Heidi’s mom goes out to lunch with her daughter, and again, what this woman must be going through, I cannot imagine. Everyone who has children suffers from the anxiety of keeping those children safe and raising them to be good people. But it’s one thing to worry about your kid getting in a drunk driving accident, or dropping out of school. It’s a whole other to worry about your kid being Heidi Montag.

PLEASE DO NOT CRY MOM. Heidi, I swear to you, you will pay for this. If I have to dedicate the rest of my life to making you pay for this, OK well in that case you probably won’t pay for this. But I really think you should pay for this.

Meanwhile, there is more drama over how Stephanie Pratt went out to dinner with Doug Reinhardt. I have no idea why. It’s like drama over someone going out to dinner with Slingblade. “Hey, we have a code as friends that we don’t date each other’s Slingblades.” Doug Reinhardt is, of course, heir to a frozen burrito fortune, but I think it goes much deeper than that. Like, deeper in his brain. Like I am saying that his head is filled with frozen burritos.

Anyway, everyone is going go to Doug’s house for a barbecue, including Lauren and Stephanie. AWKWAAAAARD. It’s so awkward when you are around two people who had dinner together when you also used to have dinner with one of them. It’s like, we used to have dinner and now you have had one dinner with that person? Do the dinners we had even matter to you? And then Lauren finds out that they went out for coffee too. COFFEE! Unbelievable. It’s almost like Stephanie doesn’t even care about Lauren but is just using her to be on a TV show. It’s almost like that. Obviously they are real friends for real, but one could start to have one’s suspicions. But this is a party. Let’s have fun. This looks like fun:

Haha. Splash those girls! Fuck them!

In order to clear the tension, Doug yells that he wants nothing to do with Stephanie and that he just had dinner with her because she was “lost.” Doug is the best. I mean, he might not be the smartest in the group (which, yikes, I mean, just remember which group we’re talking about) but at least he is the most tactful. This causes Stephanie to produce some kind of liquid from her face. Lauren consoles her, but then gets fed up when Stephanie won’t even admit that she had coffee with Doug when everyone knows that they had coffee together. As Lauren leaves, disgusted, Stephanie watches her go. It’s a touching moment. You know how I know? Because the most touching moments always involve microphone battery packs peeking out from behind girls’ dresses.

Also, Doug has this drawing of himself in his room.

Did I mention Doug Reinhardt is a fucking idiot?