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Let’s Buy KathyGriffin.Com, You Guys

Kathy Griffin, a woman who avoids self-promotion at every opportunity (after this post I’m turning myself into the Sarcasm Police for crimes against hilarity), is suing whoever owns the URL kathygriffin.com for $100,000, claiming “direct and palpable harm.” Now, as much as I am not a fan of Kathy Griffin (I am very much not a fan of her), it seems totally reasonable for someone, particularly a famous someone, to want to own the URL of their name. But the facts of the case seem to indicate something other than “direct and palpable harm.” From the Hollywood Reporter:

Kathy Griffin has filed a cybersquatting lawsuit against a company that owns KathyGriffin.com, claiming they are making money off her name and image.

In a lawsuit filed in Los Angeles Superior Court Sept. 16, the comedian, who just won another Emmy for her reality show, “My Life on the D-List,” was contacted in July by the owners offering the site for sale for $3,500.

Hmmm. Now, I’m like John McCain, the economy is just not my thing. But something tells me that if they’re willing to sell the domain for $3,500 THEY ARE NOT MAKING THAT MUCH MONEY OFF OF YOUR NAME AND IMAGE. Something also tells me that if we pooled our money WE WOULD HAVE $3,500.

You guys, LET’S BUY THIS WEBSITE! Hear me out.

Kathy Griffin has legions of fans, a hit TV show, and Emmy Awards. She has every reason to want to build a proper web presence at kathygriffin.com. But also isn’t it 2008? The internet started a million years ago, and she’s just getting around to feeling legally sad about this now? Also, this whole headache could have been resolved for $3,500, which is hardly extortionary. Kathy Griffin probably spends $3,500 a day on self-deprecation pills alone. Kathy Griffin could have bought the URL by selling her Emmy Awards schwag bag on eBay.

By buying kathygriffin.com, we would be gentleman about it. We would not cause her “direct and palpable harm,” in large part because THERE’S NO WAY TO DO THAT JUST BY OWNING A WEBSITE, KATHY GRIFFIN, AND ALSO KATHY GRIFFIN’S LAWYERS. Stupid dummies. What a bunch of stupid dummies. No, by buying kathygriffin.com, we would simply seek to bring Kathy Griffin back to reality. We would maintain a $3,500 purchase price, plus whatever costs were incurred by registering the URL with GoDaddy, or however it is that the internet works. Everything runs through GoDaddy, right? I think I saw that in a Superbowl somewhere. Also she would have to sign a legal agreement barring her from ever making us have to meet her.

It’s what they call in justice a win win win win win win win situation. Please make all donations payable to The People’s Movement To Get Kathy Griffin To Cut The Bullshit.