Schweig Engel Wants To Sell You A VCR And Probably Some Drugs

FACT: everyone loves local cable commercials. They are so unprofessionally made! And a lovably unprofessional series of commercials (via BuzzFeed) made for a St. Louis company, Schweig Engel, in the late ’80s and early ’90s is no exception. Combining the latest in green screen technology with the most impenetrable concept of what the world is like, Schweig Engel made it very hard to understand what exactly they offered their customers. It’s definitely some kind of lax credit system for purchasing housewares, but it also involves a heavy degree of violence.

The only question now is which ad is more insaaaaaaaane.

Whoa. “Come to Schweig Engel or we will continue to chop our salespeople’s heads off more?” Perfect. I cannot wait to come to your crazy store. I just hope my dinette set is free of blood spatter. The black guy is a really good actor though. His manic energy screams “do not cut my head off for no reason thanks.”

My favorite part of this one isn’t when the dinosaur eats someone just for expressing incredulity over the easiness of securing credit with Schweig Engel. Although that is great. My favorite part is WHY ARE THEY PETTING THEIR DINOSAURS? Is that a thing people used to think? If you’re riding a dinosaur, always remember that you gotta pet it. Constantly.

This one is definitely the most insane. First of all, you can’t install an air conditioner on the beach anyway, so I don’t know how easy credit is going to help that man. Second of all, he doesn’t need a superhero to help him finance his purchase, he needs someone to take him to the hospital because I think he’s dying. Also that (pink?) air conditioner is supposed to make things comfortable, not retarded. But obviously the best part of the whole ad is when the one Superman violently throws a bucket of snow in the sick man’s stupid face.