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Gossip Girl: Our National Dan And Serena Nightmare Comes To An End

It’s still summer in New York City, according to Gossip Girl. It’s 102 degrees! Everyone is so sweaty! Things pick up where they left off last week. Nate is apologizing to Vanessa for standing her up last week but also is being a male prostitute with Shelly from Twin Peaks. Blair is trying to lock things down with the Lord. Chuck is drinking so much whiskey out of decanters. Dan and Serena are keeping their renewed relationship secret. Jenny Humphrey is working so hard at her internship. When will school start already?

Let’s just get Dan and Serena out of the way. They love making out in the middle of the street but they haven’t talked about the reasons they broke up last year! But whatever, they’ll talk about that later! Right now, it’s make out time! Blair is having a party, which is when they plan on sharing the news with everyone. I don’t know what the party is for. There are parties every week on this show. There are more parties than on The O.C., and there were so many parties on The O.C. But before Dan and Serena can tell everyone that they are back together, the news is posted on Gossip Girl. This results in one of the funniest moments on the show ever, which the CW already posted on-line last week as a teaser.

Baby gossip girls! Mean Girls in training! What a bunch of little assholes!

So on the way to Blair’s party, Dan and Serena get stuck in the elevator during a citywide black out, and they are forced to confront their issues with each other, although we never really understand what they are? I mean, obviously the issue is that they’re the two most boring people on the planet. Dan uses the emergency box to call for help and Serena is like “you should probably use my name so they send help faster” and this makes Dan angry because it’s so typical of her, except didn’t Serena spend the whole first season basically running away from being “the” Serena Van Der Woodsen? I thought that the reason they broke up was because Serena lied to Dan about Georgina and then Dan had cunnilingus on Georgina, but apparently the deeper issue was their varying approaches in being stuck in an elevator. When the electricity finally comes back on they have agreed to break up. Good. It was going to be painful having to write about their relationship every week because there are only so many ways you can describe watching paint dry.

Meanwhile, Chuck is impotent? Serena is like “I think this means that you’re not over Blair.” Gabe is like “I think this means you need to go to the hospital, because you’re 17-years-old.” Why is he impotent? Maybe it’s because of all that whiskey he is always drinking out of decanters. He’s got decanted whiskey dick. Gross. Sorry. Anyway, he decides that the way to get unimpotent is to get Blair to sleep with him again, and then he’ll be able to sleep with all the stewardesses. Perfect plan. Serena says “Chuck, no, don’t use Blair as sexual Drano.” SEXUAL DRANO. This show is a genius. But, like, a bad genius. Like, the genius in some ’80s comedy who decides to use his mathematical know-how to create the perfect bong. Or in this show’s case, the perfect whalebone cigarette holder engraved with the Archibald crest.

Blair is frustrated because the Lord will not give her the business. This results in one of the most uncomfortable moments ever when Blair is confronting the Duchess about how she’s basically turned Nate into a prostitute and the Duchess is like “but he gives me the one thing you’re never going to get from the Lord,” and it’s like WHOA, WHAT? So the Lord is never going to have sex with Blair? But even more importantly, THE DUCHESS ALREADY KNOWS THAT? She keeps such careful tabs on her stepson’s trouser activity. Chuck shows up at the party and is like “have sex with me,” and Blair is like “you’re disgusting, and I hate you.” When the electricity goes off, Blair tells the Lord that she needs him to give her the business. She goes up to her room to wait for him, and Chuck walks in and is like “Allo, Guv’nah!” and so they start doing it. But then the lights come on and the Lord punches Chuck in the face. Blair chases the Lord down the spiral staircase and he is like “you knew it was Chuck Bass” and Blair is like “yes” and all the guests are like “OMG” and the Lord is like “in reality I wanted to give you the business,” and Blair is like “then give me the business,” and the Lord kisses her. That’s not the business, though. I don’t think this issue of not getting the business is over with.

Vanessa catches Nate with the Duchess, which, incidentally, everyone has caught Nate with the Duchess at this point. I find it pretty hard to believe that Gossip Girl has tipsters in France but no one has revealed this affair. Anyway, Vanessa is like “you’re sleeping with her?” and Nate is like “you don’t understand, she’s giving me money.” That is the best excuse. Nate decides that he’s going to break up with the Duchess and be with Vanessa and he goes to find her but meanwhile the Duchess finds Vanessa instead and is like “I am willing to do anything to keep Nate,” because that is how adults act with teenagers. They’re always threatening and fucking them. Especially rich adults with a lot to lose both financially and socially. They’re always risking it all for some statutory rape. Anyway, Vanessa is leaving and Nate is like “What?” and she’s like “She loves you, stay with her,” and later Vanessa explains to Dan that she said that because the Duchess threatened to tell the police where Nate’s dad is hiding if Nate ever breaks up with her. But doesn’t that seem like something you should tell Nate? So that he knows what he’s up against? Instead of a weird lie about how you think the 40-year-old married woman with abandonment issues is the perfect girl for your 17-year-old friend?

Jenny Humphrey also has a plotline this week with Eleanor Waldorf. In brief, we’re being set up to believe that Jenny Humphrey is a great fashion designer when in reality Jenny Humphrey is an asshole.

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Next week: Dan and Serena try to date other people, and that’s when everything goes horribly who cares. More Chuck and Blair please, Mr. TV.