I Love Money: Women Be Scrappin’

I missed a week of I Love Money recapping, so I APOLOGIZE. I know that this was TREMENDOUSLY INCOVENIENT for some of you (none of you). In any case, in the episode we missed, the Entertainer eliminated Heather, virtually destroying any alliance he might have had, and securing his place as the least liked person in the house, an impressive feat considering exactly which house we’re talking about. I don’t really understand everyone’s dislike for the Entertainer. He seems like the only person on this show who’s fully capable of admitting that he’s a total mess of a human being.

The elimination game this week involves hanging onto stripper poles over some water. A classic game of skill testing all of one’s faculties. There is some speculation over who will do well in the game based on prior experience with stripper poles and other kinds of poles. The twist this week is that whoever falls of the stripper pole first will be immediately eliminated. Whoever hangs on the longest, of course, will become Paymaster. In a sad twist of something resembling fate, the Entertainer slips off in under two minutes, and will be returning home to live in his parents’ basement. Supposedly. Doesn’t everyone on this show make tens of thousands of dollars just for appearing? Like, two tens of thousands? I would not be surprised if the Entertainer was still living at his parents’ house just so that he could have something to talk about for those endless interviews that make his brain so sleepy.

In the end, it comes down to Hoopz and Megan, who both put up quite a fight to prove that they are the best at doing this ridiculous thing.

Hoopz promises Megan that if she is Paymaster, she will not eliminate Megan under any circumstances, so Megan gives up? This is a weird strategy to me, because if Megan just stayed up there, then she could promise not to eliminate herself under any circumstances. Lazy. I’m just now calling Megan out for being lazy. I just like to have all the facts before I make that kind of accusation.

Thus begins the weekly conniving to stay in good graces through the elimination ceremony. Pumkin, Toastee, Brandi C, and Megan have had their “secret alliance” for weeks, but no one ever really seemed that loyal to it, and this week it totally falls apart. Pumkin and Toastee decide to go after Megan, but that makes Hoopz sad because she gave Megan her word, and if there’s one thing that is sacred and honorable, it is the word one gives on a stripper pole over the water when the role of Paymaster on an impossibly ridiculous reality show is at stake. This leads to the inevitable confrontation between four people who can barely tolerate each other and yet have all signed legal agreements barring them from any physical contact.

Women be scrappin’!

The second highlight of the show occurs shortly after this, at the Power Outing. Real has decided that he is in love with Hoops, so he puts himself up for elimination, just so that he can “go on a date” with her during the Power Outing. I have no idea what it must be like as a professional reality show contestant who is involved in this nonsense for so long that their brain chemistry actually changes and they begin to take their lives seriously. But something happens on a biochemical level. How else to explain why REAL PROPOSED TO HOOPZ.

He told her that if he did not get an answer by that evening, it was over. Ooooh, he’s playing hardball. “Either you accept this preposterous and obviously doomed proposal of marriage, or I will continue to drink well liquor and sit by the pool under the studio lights acting like I care about something.”

At the elimination ceremony, another bomb is dropped when Brandi C. decides to eliminate herself from the competition in an attempt to save Megan. BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE BOMB. Brandi C. was dead weight, held afloat by the general disinterest of everyone around her. The only reason she hadn’t already been eliminated is because it would have been a waste of an elimination, like eliminating dust, or a mild itch between your shoulder blades that you know will just go away in a second. The bomb is that all of a sudden we’re informed that the Paymaster must have three people to choose from in order to eliminate someone, so Megan, Pumkin, and White Boy have to pick one of the three of them to join Megan and Real on the chopping block. Sure! Rules are rules! It’s written into the I Love Money charter, right under the rule that apparently this show has to go on forever and ever.

And ever.