10 People Who Would Be Horrible Supermen But Still Better Supermen Than Brendan Fraser

According to the blog io9, back in the early 2000s, when JJ Abrams was developing a Superman script, Brendan Fraser was in talks to play the lead role. The lead role, of course, being Superman. Just to make sure it’s really clear, at some point HOLLYWOOD ALMOST ALLOWED BRENDAN FRASER TO BE SUPERMAN.

Wait, whuuuuut.

I mean, it didn’t happen, so we can all breathe a sigh of disbelieving relief, but oh man. This is like when the American people didn’t really know about the extent of the Bay of Pigs invasion until days after. It’s basically like that. Just like it.

To be fair, I guess I mostly feel the same way I feel when Brendan Fraser is cast in any movie. That Hollywood has made a horrible mistake. And even though it never even happened, I’m going to carry this exercise in pointless speculation to its logical conclusion. After the jump, 10 people who would be horrible Supermen but still better Supermen than Brendan Fraser.

10. Harry Dean Stanton

Harry Dean Stanton would be a terrible Superman. But he’s such an irreverent actor, and has been in so many great movies, which is more than can be said of Brendan Fraser. Also, it pretty much goes without saying that everyone would go see Superman if he was played by Harry Dean Stanton. They might get drunk or high first, but they would go.

9. DJ Qualls

Superman is the “Man of Steel.” He’s invincible. He can change the direction of the Earth’s rotation. DJ Qualls looks like he might have trouble doing battle with a gentle breeze. But he seems like the kind of guy (hero) who would dedicate his life to doing good, rather than doing countless Mummy sequels when everyone was pretty much done after the first Mummy.

8. Al Pacino

HOO-AH. Al Pacino would be the weirdest Superman. It’s strange that he’s considered one of the finest actors of all time, and yet he’s always basically playing himself. What’s that all about? Maybe Brendan Fraser should stop making movies and just devote all his time to figuring out what that’s all about.

7. Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro

I don’t really understand the furor over Al Pacino and Rober DeNiro being in movies together. They’re both great actors, but there are lots of great actors who have never been in movies with specific other great actors and you don’t hear a lot about it. It’s not like “Oh finally, Philliip Seymour Hoffman and Don Cheadle, together at last.” What, because they’re both Italian? Grow up. All of that being said, I would understand the furor over Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro being in a movie together if that movie was Superman.

6. Mo’nique

I’m not explaining to you why Mo’nique would be a terrible Superman. But I will explain to you why she’d still be better than Brendan Fraser: because if you haven’t figured it out by now, ANYONE would be better than Brendan Fraser.

5. Chris Kattan

Chris Kattan is so spazzy and monkey faced. Not what you think of when you think of Superman. But he’s got a few things going for him: he was never in Bedazzled, he was never in George of the Jungle, and he was never in Journey to the Center of the Earth: 3-D. Man, Chris Kattan has done enough bad stuff that I actually had to look all that up to make sure it was true, but it is true, so there’s that.

4. Sir Ian McKellen

Sir Ian McKellen is a truly gifted actor, but do we really want a Shakespearian Superman? A Shakespearian Superman who’s a thousand years old? If it’s that or a Brendan Fraser Superman then the answer is YES.

3. Julian Casabalancas

Even if we assume that Julian Casablancas can act, which I highly doubt, his Superman would say everything through a fuzz box and his suit would be made out of skin-tight denim. Also, Julian Casablancas jokes? In 2008? I blame Brendan Fraser.

2. Bentley Green

There are some very obvious reasons why Bentley Green would be a tough sell as Superman. For one, he is seven years old. But he’s so good in this video, which I could watch for hours, that if faced with the choice of casting him or a man who looks to Nicolas Cage for hair advice, I would cast him. No doubt. Bentley Green 4 life.

1. Sarah Palin

The obvious joke is that the only thing Sarah Palin would be worse at than playing Superman in a movie is playing Vice President of the United States in real life. But sometimes obvious jokes are enough.

In closing: Brendan Fraser remains the worst.