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EXCLUSIVE: Tobey Maguire’s 9/11 Speech Transcript

As Radar reported earlier today, Tobey Maguire is scheduled to give a 9/11 speech this evening, according to some leaked CNN documents. Sure. He’s following Governor David Patterson and he’s speaking before some families of 9/11 victims. Perfect. Perfect line-up. Whoever organized that line-up should be given the Nobel Prize in Line-ups because how how it changed the way the world thinks about line-ups. What? Why is Tobey Maguire giving a speech about 9/11, like for real, like in a place where people actually want to hear people speak about 9/11? No one knows. No one will ever know, actually. I promise that after Maguire’s speech tonight it will be no clearer why he was asked/chosen/allowed to do this.

In any case, we have a copy of his prepared remarks for this evening, after the jump.

Ladies and gentlemen,

It’s an honor for me to be here with you this evening to commemorate the brave men and women who lost their lives in the most violent and tragic attack on American soil. Like you, it’s impossible for me to forget where I was on the morning of September 11th, 2001. I was in my mansion, watching Cider House Rules. Every morning, I wake up and I rewatch one of my previous movies. Then I spend an hour and a half looking at myself in the mirror, repeating “You are not weak-chinned and of soft conviction. You are not pasty and slightly less talented than people think you are. You are a true talent. You are a fucking amazing talent.” I repeat those four sentences for an hour. Every morning. In any event, it was during the scene when Homer is sitting in the car with Candy, talking about their potential future together, when someone called me on my mobile phone and told me to turn on the news. I set down my cocaine-infused mimosa and stopped masturbating briefly to see what all the fuss was about, and I do not believe that I masturbated at all for the rest of the day. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t need to tell you of the horror and sadness that I saw that day. So I won’t. Instead I’ll tell you that Sam Raimi and I have just signed on to make Spidermans 4 and 5. I think you’ll all agree with me that this is a small ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day. I’m told those are metaphors. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing here.

Thank you? And God Bless America.