HAHAHAHAHA. An upcoming movie called The Intervention explores the idea of what would happen if eight people gathered together to perform an intervention on a loved one for their alcohol abuse problem but it turned out that actually the person was just addicted to being possessed by the devil. LOLOLOLOLOLZ.
OK, this movie. But I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what it’s going to be like already:
Interventionist: I think it’s important in this part of the process to go around the room and have everyone tell Tom an instant in which his behavior has hurt them in the past. Tom, try and really hear what your loved ones are saying to you.
Interventionist: Sure, Greg, why don’t you get us started and then we’ll go to your left. Remember, we’re not attacking Tom, we’re just showing him that his problems have effects well beyond himself.
Greg: Tom, it hurt me when you called up on the dark forces of hell to rip my soul apart with claws made of fire. There, I said it.
Interventionist: Good. Thank you, Greg. Sarah?
Sarah: Tom, I love you, but when you threatened to cut out my tongue and fill my mouth with the stinging of a thousand bees just because I asked you where you had been the night before, it scared me, and it made me feel like I didn’t know you.
Mike: I can’t fucking do this. This is ridiculous.
Interventionist: Mike, we’re here for Tom right now. We need to put our own fears and apprehensions aside and do what we can to try and help him.
Mike: Whatever, man. OK, well, Tom, I guess you…hurt…me…when you came over to my house and sacrificed my wife and two children to the King of all that is Vile.
Paul: Tom, bro, seriously, I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we just want the old Tom back. It used to be fun at Kappa Phi parties when you would jump on the table and place a curse on nerds by spitting black venom into their eyes and speaking in a language no one understood, but we’ve all grown up, and you have to admit that you’ve gotten into some pretty sick shit, and it’s like dude, party time is ov–
Interventionist: Thank you, Paul.
Becky: Tom raped me with the devil’s dick.
AND ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF OF THAT.