The Hills: The Black Tears Of A Miserable Clown

Two episodes of Hills in one week? That is so much Hills! You know that feeling you get when you drink too many no-fat soy lattes with sugar-free pomegranate syrup and your hands start to shake? This is like that, except instead of your hands shaking it’s your brain. Anyway, FRANKIE’S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN VEGASSSSS! Who is Frankie again? Right. Frankie is Brody Jenner’s friend. Brody Jennerrrrrr!!!!!! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! When we last saw them, Frankie was hungover with sadness because Brody and Doug were “in jail.” Now, Lauren, Stephanie, and Lo are all pouring over phone books trying to find the number for jail. They have called a few jails and no one has Brody Jenner. Maybe they are in Superjail! I hope they are in Superjail! Nope. Brody and Doug walk in and it turns out they were in Casino Jail because some guy punched Doug in the chest and they decided to press charges. Another Hills drama fizzles before it even started. The end.

Ugh, hold on, there’s more.

Brody Jenner is a fucking idiot.

Spencer is so fed up that Heidi’s sister Holly is staying with them. He’s constantly leaving the bedroom to go to the graphic tees store and there she is, just sitting there reading a book, or he’ll leave the bedroom to go to the gym to work on his goat jaw muscles and there she is, sitting on the couch minding her own business. It’s running his and Heidi’s relationship! No, not his self-involvement or aggressive manipulation, but Holly Montag. That is the problem! He tells Holly that both he and Heidi want her to move out and that Heidi is just not comfortable telling her sister such painful truths.

Holly pretends to be upset and leaves. Because as an adult I’m sure she has absolutely no concept of how long is reasonable to crash on someone’s couch before they start to feel frustrated. You have to be told. And even then it’s so hurtful! Later, Heidi comes home and we’re finally treated to a classic Spencer moment when Heidi asks what happened to her sister and he’s like “I have no idea,” and Heidi says “Well did you see her? We had plans and I haven’t heard from her all day.” Spencer says “I probably saw her. But you don’t understand, I see her 48 hours a day,” or something retarded. YES! SPENCER IN THE HOUSE! Heidi is like “Well what did you say to her?” and Spencer says “I probably said something about her moving out.” Probably. There’s absolutely no way to know for sure. Then we’re treated to a classic Heidi moment of anti-familial lashing out to cover up the emotional despair of this sham relationship she’s constructed out of bile and self-loathing by basically blaming her sister for not calling her just because Spencer was a total asshole to her it’s her fault for some reason. PERFECT. These two people are KINGS of SAD DARKNESS and COMPLEX ILLOGIC.

Lean Cuisine = BALLIN’!

Meanwhile, Lauren and Audrina have got to work it out between them. Frankie didn’t want any beef at his birthday, and there was total beef, so these ladies need to QUASH IT. What follows is a clip known as “The Wretched Cry Black Tears.”

That fight is actually kind of amazing. It really lays bare the emotional stress of having pre-fabricated relationships organized around a line producer’s concept of who will look best sitting next to you at the pool. At this point they have to stick together because it’s all downhill from here with them. They’re going to want a familiar face around five years from now when they’re trawling Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for industry connections.