The Hills: It’s Frankie’s Party, And Everyone Will Cry If They’re Told To By Producers

It’s Frankie’s birthday and we’re going to Vegasssssss! Just one quick question, though: WHO’S FRANKIE? Frankie, of course, is Brody Jenner’s friend, who somehow lacks the charisma to make it onto this show as a regular cast member. He’s been around since the beginning and still the producers are like “Oh hey, Frankie, yeah, no, we’re just not looking for anyone permanet right now. Don’t get us wrong, you’re great. It’s just that we already spent our last 8,000 dollars per episode on Lo. Yeah, Lo. Lo gets paid to be on this show. Sorry, Frankie.” But WE’RE GOING TO VEGASSSSSS. On Doug’s private jet. “You broke up with someone who owns a jet?” Stephanie says. “We’re still going on the jet, aren’t we,” Lauren replies. Snap! Why eat sushi with the boring cow if you can get the overindulgent milk for free?!

Where’s Audrina? Oh my God, well, Lauren saw Audrina last night at Goa, and she was like “Audrina! Audrina!” She had to shout her name, and you know how Lauren hates shouting or drawing attention to herself, and then Audrina was like “I’m with my friends.” Can you believe it? She’s acting almost as if a producer didn’t come up to her at a pool and tell her that he liked her look and that she should be friends with Lauren for the benefit of TV cameras. Anyway, Brody doesn’t even want to hear it. Kick her out of your house, Lauren! Says Brody. Lauren doesn’t want to lose any more friends. “Sounds like she doesn’t even want to be your friend,” says Brody. At Frankie’s birthday dinner it comes up again, “where is Audrina? Wasn’t she supposed to be here.” “I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT,” says Brody Jenner. He really doesn’t even want to talk about it, you guys.

Meanwhile, Holly Montag is moving to LA and Spencer is NOT happy about it. He’s got important work to do on his Area 51 high score, and how is he going to do that with some WOMAN having her PERIOD all over the place? Last time that Holy visited she left tampons in the bathroom. Ask her, Heidi. ASK YOUR SISTER IF THAT IS TRUE. When Holly shows up after a 14 hour drive, she makes them HALF AN HOUR LATE for their DINNER RESERVATIONS. What an asshole!

So what does Brody want to talk about at dinner? How about why he told Lauren not to trust Stephanie Pratt. “Because I know how crazy you are,” Brody says. “That’s when I had a drug problem,” replies Stephanie Pratt. The end result is crying in the bathroom, but seriously? Stephanie Pratt really doesn’t know why anyone would ever talk badly about her? There is no one easier on the planet to talk badly about than the lesser of two Pratts. “Don’t ever cry over someone who wouldn’t cry over you,” Lauren says, because she’s the President of Advice. Audrina shows up at the club.

Spencer drives to Heidi’s “work” because they have to talk about something important. What could it be?! It sounds serious! “Holly was wearing her pyjamas!” OH SHIT. “She erased three of my shows on the TiVo and said ‘oh, I’m sorry, I still don’t know how to use the Tivo.” WHAT A BITCH. Heidi can’t believe that Spencer interrupted her work for this, and I can’t believe that Heidi’s sister thinks she can just wear pyjamas and spend the morning on her sister’s couch when Spencer is trying to go to the gym. It’s not like he spent a bunch of months on his sister’s couch, always being home and pretending like he owned the place. He would never.

The next morning Frankie is not feeling well. Is he hungover on too many douchebagtinis? NO, HE GOT A TEXT MESSAGE AND BRODY IS IN JAIL. DOUG GOT PUNCHED AND THEY ARE BOTH IN JAIL.

Next week: Brody gets bailed out of jail and we realize it wasn’t that big of a deal.