The VMAs: Is Russell Brand Deported Yet?

If you missed the annual bikewreck that is the VMAs, I’m jealous. Nothing happened, and the only reason to watch the show was to complain about it loudly with other people who were also watching and complaining loudly. The two biggest questions going in were:

1. Will Britney do anything notable or interesting?
2. Will Russell Brand be surprisingly good or expectedly terrible?

The answers were:

1. “Not unless you count still smacking bubble gum and sticking her tongue out after all these years ‘interesting'” and

2. Absolutely terrible — even if you had very low expectations! Look, I understand that Russell Brand is considered very funny in England, and I understand that he has funny admirers like Judd Apatow, and I even understand that some of his old comedy — the stuff he’s known for in the UK — is funny. But whatever his talent is, he left it behind when he came to America. His Jonas brothers promise ring thing would have been medium-funny if he’d left it to one joke (it certainly wasn’t shocking), and he just doesn’t have the kind of charm to pull off the kind of insult-MC comedy he was trying to do. He’s just not likable — and no man who spends that amount of time on his hair and makeup can be called self-deprecating. Next year, MTV should bring back the best non-accidental entertainment of last year’s VMA’s: Sarah Silverman. Not that I’ll be watching. I’m really done with this show. For real this time.