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Gossip Girl: And Here We…Go

Just in time! Last night, I watched the season 1 finale of Gossip Girl right before season 2 began. I did it! Success! I win/lose!

So, after Dan broke up with Serena and Chuck left Blair waiting on the helipad at the end of last season, we pick up in the Hamptons. Nate is making out in a car in the middle of the day on the street with Shelly from Twin Peaks, because that’s how you cheat on your husband with a minor, Chuck is drinking white wine on the beach, Serena is feeling sad, Jenny is working in a sweatshop, Dan is working for Jay McInerney and trying to write a short story for the Paris Review, and the Gossip Girl blog just reported that Blair Waldorf was at Charles De Gaulle airport catching a plane home (there are Gossip Girl tipsters in France? What’s your guys’s excuse?) OK, everyone got it? Here we go.

So, Dan and Serena were the most boring part of season 1 because the only thing worse than being friends with an overly lovey couple with a penchant for cooing PDA is not even knowing the overly lovey couple with a penchant for cooing PDA because they DON’T EXIST. And they’re no better as a broken up couple. Who cares that they both miss each other? It’s not like this show could have possibly sustained them actually being broken up. They are the redemptive romantic core in a cast that otherwise constitutes nothing but loathsome, self-involved, emotionally vacuous manipulation monsters. So, let me just skip all the way ahead to the part where they get back together at the end of this episode. But not before a few impossible things happen: 1. Dan works for Jay McInerney, which is ridiculous. 2. The Paris Review is desperately waiting for a story from Dan, which is ridiculous. 3. Dan can’t write the story because it’s going to be about Serena, which is boring. 4. Serena’s grandma, who had a villainous turn in season 1, returns to help Dan win Serena back, which seems wholly unlikely. 5. Dan spent all summer sleeping with dozens of different girls to keep his mind of Serena, which, why is Josh Schwartz so bad at doing nerds? I’m supposed to believe that this super-confident guy with maturity beyond his years and a well-knotched bed post is a social outcast? No. Anyway. The sappy couple is back together.

Speaking of the Humphreys, where the FUCK is Rufus? I know that he’s on tour with Lisa Loeb or whatever, but under what circumstances does a father of two high school age children leave them alone for the entire summer to live by themselves in a Brooklyn apartment? Maybe their bitch mom could come down from Hudson and take the fuck care of her kids. I know she is exploring the art of her vagina with her next door neighbor, but this is getting ridiculous. So Jenny makes a dress and tries to show it to her boss, but her boss is like “you are an intern,” and for some reason we are supposed to feel bad about this? Jenny is 15 years old. But she calls Eric Van Der Woodsen and he gets her into the exclusive White Party (more on that in a moment) and her boss is there and her boss suddenly becomes super grovelly just because Tinsely Mortimer makes a cameo? What is that all about? Shaking Tinsley Mortimer’s hand doesn’t make Jenny Humphrey not 15 years old and an intern for the summer. But the boss is like “I hear she offered you another internship.” HAHAHAHAHAH. Right. Making big moves for other internships. I heard that Bill Gates got his start by getting a better internship than the internship he had while he was at the Vitamin Water White Pary.

So yeah, can we talk about what was up with that? This show should change it’s name to Vitamin Water Presents Gossip Girl. What?

I don’t know. That was too much Vitamin Water. That party didn’t look like very much fun because no one would shut up about the Vitamin Water already.

So the only real enjoyment to be had so far is in the romantic tug-of-war between Chuck and Blair. The main problem is that they’ve already gotten together and split apart twice now. I don’t know how much more enthusiasm I’m supposed to drum up for their impossible romance. But anyway, Blair shows up at the Hamptons with a guy to make Chuck jealous, and it works.

That scene sort of represents the best and worst inclinations of Jewish TV writers. Because on the one hand, the back and forth between Chuck and Blair actually made me laugh. And on the other hand, the part where Blair says “sitting Shiva” actually made me apologize to my family. Also, I’m sorry Gossip Girl writer who was doing a favor for his friend, but NO ONE watches The Closer. So Chuck hires a private detective (who he has on speed dial) to look into the guy Blair’s using as a prop only to find out his true identity right when he admits it to Blair: he’s a British lord. Sure. He introduces a jolly good wrench in the works for their poisonous relationship, but it’s only a matter of time before they’re back together, and broken up again, and back together, and broken up again. Hakuna Matata, you guys.

Oh, and Nate is fucking Shelly from Twin Peaks. I know I already said that, but that’s what’s going on.

There’s a lot of concern going into season 2 that we’re going to suffer a classic Josh Schwartz teen soap opera sophomore year flame-out like we did with The O.C. and frankly, last night’s season opener did not exactly put those fears to rest. Part of the problem is that everyone has changed beds so many times. You’ve got to pace that shit out, Schwartz. Anyhow, next week everyone returns to New York and that’s when the drama really begins. I know because that’s what the voiceover said.