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Saw V: Oh Yes, There Will Be SPOILERS

A new poster has been released for Saw V. It features a man with his head caught in a steampunk’s aquarium, which is apparently one of the scariest places to find your head, and the tag line says “You Won’t Believe How It Ends.” Wrong, Saw V. I will never see how it ends. Because I refuse to watch you. But I will believe it. Oh, there will be belief. In how it ends.

I’ll even do you one better, Saw V. I will guess how it ends. You will never believe how I guess how it ends. After the jump.

  • Jigsaw takes off his dress and is actually a dude.
  • “Jigsaw” was the name of a sled that Charles Foster Kane had as a child.
  • Jigsaw asks Morgan Freeman to come to the hospital and unplug his life support system.
  • It turns out that Jigsaw was Keyser Soze the whole time!
  • Jigsaw and Heidi stop talking to each other, but neither of them really has the intellectual capacity to even understand what they’re fighting about so the charade of their dull-witted feud continues for a couple more seasons until viewers grow bored and the show is unceremoniously canceled.
  • Jigsaw is Luke’s father.
  • Jigsaw is humans, he’s made of humans.
  • Jigsaw wakes up and it was all just a dream.

Did I get it, Saw V? Fuck you, you piece of shit torture porn.