From G’s To Gents: An Epcot Center’s “World Showcase” Of Racism

From G’s to Gents is getting so racially complicated that the only person who can effectively speak to the convoluted racial politics of this show is Cornel West, although I’m sure his good friend Tavis Smiley could put together an interesting op ed as well. Personally, I’m so overwhelmed by the push and pull of the show’s conflicting motivations, that I’m not even going to think about it anymore. Whether or not that’s an irresponsible “not part of the solution” type attitude to take, I can say this: racism and echoes of colonialism aside, last night’s episode was the best yet by a million.

This week, the G’s are going to learn about fine dining and table manners.

This means that resident reality TV fine dining expert Tim Allen is brought out of his holding pen. Does anyone even know who he is anymore? I feel like a celebrity guest judge is only as good as his as his original reference point is relevant. And Queer Eye for the Straight Guy hasn’t been relevant since the end of its first season when people GOT THE POINT ALREADY. Anyway, of course the G’s are asked to eat escargot and foie gras because those are the world’s two most delicious foods. Seriously. They are so good. You know that when those foods are prepared for reality TV contestants they’re served with frozen centers on a bed of Tobasco sauce or something, because I honestly refuse to believe that everyone would just automatically be as grossed out by this food all the time. It’s not 1981 anymore, we all know what food tastes like.

Now that the G’s have learned table manners and the appreciation of fine dining from Ted Allen (the G’s, and America in general, have learned nothing from Ted Allen), they pair up for their elimination challenge, which will involve representing Fonzworth Bentley at a dinner meeting with some of his “business associates.” Sure. You know what, if Donald Trump can pretend that it matters to him which of his reality show contestants sells lemonade in Union Square the best, then Fonzworth Bentley can pretend to have “business associates.” The business dinner is actually where I threw up my hands to this show and its racist underpinnings because the gang shows up to a Japanese restaurant and is ushered into a private dining room with three Asian clowns (or as the show would have it, crowns), sitting before a naked Asian woman covered in sushi, because WHAT?

Forget it, Jake, it’s Japantown. Also, it’s sad to see all these men and women humiliating themselves on national TV on a daily basis just get their shit blown out of the water by sushi table girl. Saddest. Anyway, the G’s will be eliminated one by one based on their table manners, and whoever is left at the table will get to choose, with their teammate, one person to put up for elimination. What follows is basically like a scene in a movie where someone drops a machine gun and it goes off, sending wild rounds in every direction, except the machine gun is racism, and the wild rounds are our eyes exploding.

But it’s also kind of great to watch.

T-Jones wins the competition, just like he wins America’s hearts. Him and Cee put Creepa up for elimination, claiming that they’re only doing it to give Creepa a wake up call because he’s not turning into a Gent enough. Creepa takes it really personally and starts giving everyone dictionary lessons on what a “goon” is and how he’s a “goon.”

I really thought a goon was what Dr. Claw hired when he wanted to get Inspector Gadget. At one point, in interview, he says “I’m a motherfuckin’ goon, he ain’t never seen nothin’ like me, boom boom, I’m a goon.” Fair enough. Creepa is so mad, which is hilarious, and I will tell you why: there are only four people eligible for elimination, and three of them have to stand on the chopping block, so his odds of not being one of them were pretty slim anyway (1 in 4, in case Creepa is reading this). Relax, Creepa. Take a chizill pizill. Fonzworth Bentley doesn’t eliminate Creepa because he wants him to learn more, and now Creepa has it out for Cee. Fine. As long as everyone keeps tearing each other apart, allowing my man T Jones to cruise through for the win, I ain’t care.

D-Boy is eliminated, and as he goes to hang his blazer in the hallway, as one does when one exits a gentleman’s club, he wistfully remarks “I’m so different from when I came into the house. I came her a boy, and I’m leaving a man.” You guys, I’m telling you, this show is incredible.