Who Is The Most Popular Student At Constance Billard?

On the episode of Gossip Girl that I watched last night, little Jenny Humphrey stole a Valentino dress from that purse puppy Hazel in an effort to fit in and then found her whole upstairs-downstairs world crumbling around her when Queen B Blair Waldorf finally stopped pitying herself over the pregnancy scare from the previous week and started fighting fire with AmEx. Now, admittedly, I have never attended private school in New York, much less attended private school anywhere. I’m a man of the people. But one thing that I haven’t quite understood about Jenny Humphrey’s status anxiety is that her brother is dating THE Serena Van Der Woodsen, she’s got a mild flirtation going on with Nate Archibald, and whether Blair was torturing her or not, she was for awhile under the society queen’s wing. So where’s the problem? Surely, with all those powerful figures behind her, she can muster together some self-respect and stand up to these Mean Girls. If she didn’t have those people in her corner then her storyline would make total sense, because high-end elite private school seem like a real mind fuck, and children can be so cruel.

But that got me thinking: just how popular are Jenny’s friends? Maybe the reason she’s been forced into such desperate corners to fit in is because the It Girls and Nate Archibalds of the world aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

To the Facebook!

Jenny’s most powerful friend is clearly Blair, but that also makes Blair her most powerful enemy. But you have to give it up to Waldorf for being just as popular as she always says she is.

OUCH. Looks like the Archibald stock took a more serious nose dive than we thought when Nate’s dad went into the hospital for trying to kill himself after the financial scandal! But apparently there’s no REHAB for REPUTATIONS. I just passed my AP exam for Zings and will be getting 8 college credits towards my Zings and Rhetoric requirement.

Neither Dan Humphrey nor Serena Van Der Woodsen even have their own fan pages on Facebook, and their shared page is nearly abandoned (although not as abandoned as Nate Archibald, by his father. I’ve just been offered tenure by the Department of Zing Sciences.) You know what’s more popular than Dan and Serena? Tripe soup. Tripe soup is more popular. (Admittedly, tripe soup is more popular than a lot of things.)

He’s not so much Jenny’s friend as he is the guy who tried to date rape her in the first episode. Or is it just rape? It might have been just regular rape. In any case, Chuck Bass is very popular despite a seeming lack of any social life outside of scheming against one of three people. But fair enough. Careful B, looks like C might just have what it takes to usurp the OH MY GOD WHY AM I TALKING LIKE THIS?