Can You Believe These Fucking Guys Were Batman?

Now that it’s been more than a month since the release of The Dark Knight and we can step back and finally have some perspective on the phenomenon of the second highest grossing movie of all time, one thing has become really clear: it’s amazing that the people who played Batman before did that. (The working title of this list was “FINALLY, AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON.”) It’s not even a question of “Who Was the Best Batman?” because that’s obvious. It’s Christian Bale. We all know that. It was the the cover story on last month’s issue of Duh Aficionado magazine. But seriously, the other guys who played Batman? Can you believe these fucking guys?

Adam West

When: Batman (TV Series), 1966-68
What TF: Adam West gets a pass because when he played Batman the world still thought that cigarettes were better for you than salad. But seriously, unless this was some kind of secret mission from the depths of the Hollywood Underground to legitimize homosexuality for the mainstream American viewing public, what was up with this guy’s Batman?

George Clooney

When: Batman and Robin, 1997
What TF: George Clooney has plenty of charm and charisma, sure, but remember how GEORGE CLOONEY WAS BATMAN? That is so crazy. That seems like a joke. Like someone went to George Clooney’s mansion on Halloween and videotaped it and they accidentally released it as a summer blockbuster. Of course, that doesn’t explain this.

Val Kilmer

When: Batman Forever, 1995
What TF: Admittedly, the real question when it comes to Val Kilmer is “Can You Believe This Fucking Guy Is In Movies?” I mean, don’t get me wrong, he was great in Top Gun, and no one will ever be able to take Madmartigan away from us, but he’s basically the Ted Nugent of actors now.

Michael Keaton

When: Batman, 1989, Batman Returns, 1992
What TF: We all have fond memories of Tim Burton’s Batman movies, as we should. But Michael Keaton? It’s hard to remember that there was a time when Tom Hanks and Steve Guttenberg were equally famous and when Michael Keaton was thought of as the type of guy who could bring dark justice to a world gone mad, but it was called the late ’80s and we must remember it so as to never make the same mistake again.