5 Things I Would Rather Be Best Friends With Than Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton has taped a show for MTV called Paris Hilton’s My New BFF that hasn’t even aired yet and she’s already going over to England to film a British version, because that is how friendship works.

“Everyone knows I love L.A.,” the star told ITV2, the U.K. channel on which the show will air. “But London, watch out–I’m coming to town and bringing my fast-paced life with me.

“I’m in the U.K. all the time, but of course I can’t bring all my friends, so I’ve decided to look for a new BFF across the pond. I need a best friend who is hot, who can keep up with me, and most of all, who is real and won’t be a backstabber. I’m not leaving London until I find that amazing girl or guy who can meet the challenges of being my British bestie!”

Gross. This is just like that green monkey that started AIDS. All it wanted was to make a fake new BFF in America for a copycat reality show and now look. All this AIDS all over the place.

I know it’s like shooting heiresses in a barrel to make jokes about how horrible Paris Hilton is, but after the jump I have listed five things I would rather be best friends with than her. Seriously.

5. The World’s Ugliest Dog

I know what you’re thinking: What’s the difference between being best friends with Sam, the World’s Ugliest Dog, and being best friends with Paris, the World’s Second Ugliest Dog? I will tell you. Sam does not have fleas.

4. The Strangers

I would rather be friends with the fucking STRANGERS than be friends with Paris Hilton. Do you know how scary the strangers are? They are so scary. And yet their floppy sack masks are less scary than Paris’s face. I just texted her that on my Zingkick II.

3. The Montauk Monster

Me and the Montauk Monster could lay awake all night looking up at the stars and talking about girls/beasts we liked. What would Paris and I talk about? Vaccines?

2. Gary Glitter

Gary Glitter is a child pornographer who was arrested in Thailand for fucking children. He belongs in jail. But I would rather be penpals with him than real pals with Paris Hilton.

1. Goblin Shark

I would rather be BFFs forever with this goblin shark, which is the most horrifying thing that I have ever seen in my entire life, than even be casual acquaintances with Paris Hilton. I would rather help the Goblin Shark move every couple of years and be the Goblin Shark’s wingman when he got too drunk at the bar and was hitting on the average looking goblin shark that he kept insisting was a 10 than even spill my drink on Paris Hilton at a boring party. Because that would be a waste of a drink.