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Harry Potter Fans Are Crazy People

Last week, Warner Bros. announced that they were pushing back the release of the new Harry Potter movie to summer 2009, despite a teaser trailer that announced the movie for this fall, and also that embarrassing Entertainment Weekly cover that is so embarrassing for them. But as Wired is now reporting, many Harry Potter fans are upset about this. Sure. But like crazy upset. Petitions have been created, and at least one outraged fan is planning on staging a protest at the Warner corporate offices in New York:

Fans such as 25-year-old Brooklyn resident Patrick Allen promised marches on the corporate offices of Warner. “They are doing this for no other reason than to make more money,” he wrote in an e-mail to The Times. “This is ridiculous, and I assure you that the millions of Harry Potter fans who have been looking forward to this release will not stand for it. We don’t want to be pacified. We want the movie, as promised, this November.”

Sure. Marches. Millions of people are going to participate in these marches. Yes. Of course. Also, WHOOPS Patrick Allen, you’re 25 years old.

My favorite is the Facebook group: “The Delay of Harry Potter Has Ruined My Life.” I mean, I can appreciate some melodramatic hyperbole, but this has got to be THE MOST RIDICULOUS FACEBOOK GROUP EVER.

Now, there is not much separating these disappointed Harry Potter fans from any other frothing gang of over enthusiastic fanboys. They have simply combined their genuine love for something, in this case a boy wizard, with their mind-boggling amounts of free time. But one aspect in all of these protests that keeps cropping up is the complaint that Warner Bros. has made this decision for financial reasons, and that somehow a decision made for financial reasons is antithetical to the Harry Potter spirit. Again, from Wired:

“Totally disgusted by WB’s decision,” wrote a user known as ocean on MuggleNet. “I’m totally convinced that the decision was motivated by money and only money.”

And again, your boyfriend, 25-year-old Patrick Allen:

They are doing this for no other reason than to make more money.

Oh noes, Harry Potter fans! I really hate to use the Blowus your Mindus spell, but Warner Bros. is a business, and the way businesses work is they pay a bunch of people to sit in a tall building and think really hard all day about how to make a billion dollars. That’s it. They don’t care about you or your delightful enchantment. So you’re right. This is about making money. Unlike the previous Harry Potter books, movies, lunchboxes, cellphone skins, fannypacks, diaper genies, barbecue pits, lizard aquariums, cellphone relay towers, and functional democracies, all of which were just for giggles (G.R.E.A.M.)

The problem, of course, is that businesses not only don’t care about you, they don’t care about you in super harmful ways. They don’t care about you in ways that can cause you tremendous physical and psychological harm. They don’t care about you in ways that cause wars and prolong wars and give people cancer and leave old people without medicine and convince you that you’re fat and stupid and should probably either buy their product or buy a mouth-sized gun. But you’re upset with a company because it decided to release a decent but ultimately by the numbers movie adaptation of a book you already read three times to the exclusion of all other books eight months later than when you thought they were going to release it.

Pull your heads out of your cauldrons, guys.