So, we pick up where we left off, which isn’t saying a lot because REAL TALK, The Hills has been treading water since season 2. Heidi and Lauren suffering a venomous rupture of their friendship is drama. Heidi and Lauren talking to their respective co-workers two years after the fact about how one time they suffered a venomous rupture of their friendship but now they still don’t talk to each other is not drama. It’s hardly even conversation. I would need a couple of extra shots in my venti soy latte with a shot of sugar free caramel syrup to stay awake through half of the “gossip” that takes place on this show. But so where were we? Well, Lauren and Lo are still not getting along with Audrina in their new 2.5 million dollar house (aw!). Whitney and Lauren are “working” for Kelly Cutrone at Peoples Revolution. Brent Bolthouse is pretending like he’s just realizing that Heidi is not a good employee. And Heidi and Spencer are back together. Duh.
One thing that happens in every episode but seems to happen more in last night’s than usual, is the asking of expository questions. As the show opens, we’re watching Lauren and Whitney move some jeans around on a rack, and Whitney casually asks “So, how are things in your house with you and Audrina and Lo. I know that the three of you were having some problems. Has that gotten any better?” That’s paraphrasing, but it was basically that bad. Look, we all accept and acknowledge that this show’s “reality” tag is a joke. Even David Sedaris’s most recent book is being stocked in the Fiction section. But considering how much money goes into its production, you’d think the line producers could be a little more subtle. And obviously the line producers should listen to me, because 30-year-old straight white men who live in Brooklyn are the target audience.
As it turns out, the tension has not eased in the house between Lo and Audrina and it’s really starting to bother Lauren. But it’s Audrina’s birthday this weekend, and they’re throwing a pool party at their 2.5 million dollar mansion, so hopefully that will put things on the right track (uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this). Meanwhile, Heidi’s sister is coming to visit and she hasn’t even told Spencer! But she’s going to play it cool because it’s her sister, it shouldn’t even be a big deal (uh oh, I have a bad feeling about this).
Lauren goes on a date with Doug. She explains to Lo that this is the first time she’s gone on a real date since Brody Jenner. My guess is that for the young girls who watch this show, the “Lauren’s unlucky in love” plotline is a thread of relatability. To them, this aspirational role model who seems to have everything is struggling just like they are to find the right guy. To me, it’s the most real thing on the whole show, because I get it. She’s disgusting. Of course no one wants to date her. Even if there weren’t invasive cameras hovering at all times to capture your every move for consumption by a judgmental tween audience, she’s just a monster. Her blood is mentholated. To quote the comedian Gabe Liedman, “LC’s vagina is so frigid, it’s measured in Kelvin.” The date she has with Doug is a nightmare, and somehow the editors cut it together as if we’re supposed to be excited that he asked her out on a second date. He could be the one! If there weren’t pictures of Lauren out on a date with Kyle Howard published just yesterday.
When Heidi comes home from work, her sister is already there, and Spencer is mad about it. Classic. He’s upset because they’re trying to work things out, and how are they supposed to work things out when her sister is there, being all her sister, wanting to have a family bond and shit. This would seem like ridiculous, petulant behavior on the part of an egomaniacal Human Goatee who doesn’t have any genuine emotional engagement with his purported fiancé, if the fact of the matter weren’t that Heidi’s sister was in LA for one reason and one reason only: to be on The Hills. I think everyone in that condo is at fault here. It’s probably safe to just lock the door and Backdraft the whole thing.
You might be surprised to discover that Audrina’s birthday party not only didn’t ease tensions between her and Lo, it only aggravated them. Wait, whuuuuuut? OK, sure, Lo doesn’t like Audrina and doesn’t care about her birthday party. Fair enough. It’s hard to like other people and care about their birthday party when you’re a 45-year-old woman who hasn’t felt the touch of another human being since childhood. Lo is the worst. But I did love when Lauren asked her “where have you been? I need your help down here,” and Lo says “I was upstairs. Playing with the dog.” I’m pretty sure that’s code for something. The problem is that Lo is such a waste that I don’t even think it’s code for anything exciting. I think it’s, like, code for staring at the wall. She probably hates the dog because it’s so soft and fun to be around. She’d rather just sit in a lukewarm bath and pretend that it was a grave and that this torture of having to think and interact with human beings was finally, blessedly over. Oh, also Lauren didn’t get to talk to Doug or something. A five dollar gift card to Pinkberry says this Doug storyline gets dropped by the third episode. He’s the most boring airhead on a show dedicated to the daily activities of boring airheads.
Spencer begrudgingly stands by as Heidi packs her sister into a cabe to send her back to Crested Butte, which is when her sister says “Well, I don’t know, maybe I’ll move here. I have nothing going on back home. Maybe I’ll just move here and stay with you.” Sure, that’s a thing that people say as they’re getting into a cab. All the time. “Please keep the meter running while I explain my carefully thought out plan of moving here.” Spencer is upset that Heidi’s sister might stay with them for too long, because he wouldn’t know anything about sleeping on a relative’s couch. (Yes he would! He did it a bunch last season!) I’m upset because I can’t deal with all of these fame-seeking siblings. I really hope that Stephanie Pratt and Heidi’s sister, who I’m not even going to dignify by acknowledging her name, get into a catfight at Les Deux over who is a more deserving sibling of unwarranted public attention and the bouncer is like “You ladies need to take it outside,” and they’re fighting in the street and then they’re both hit by a bus, but they actually get stuck to the front of the bus which doesn’t stop until it drives off a pier and sinks to the bottom of the ocean and the fish use their hair as a protective reef to hide from predators. Just, if you were wondering what I would like to happen.
Lo decides she’s going to talk to Audrina. It goes like this:
That’s a way that people talk to each other about friendship. In business-like sentences that barely even follow logically one to the next. I actually think that they texted this conversation to each other on their Sidekicks from opposing make-up trailers, but the producers decided it didn’t read well enough on screen, so they just printed out the texts and had them read it. Just kidding. I know they can’t read.
Next Week: lunch at an outdoor cafe probably!