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9 Predictions For Tonight’s Season Premiere Of The Hills

Season 4 of The Hills begins tonight, reuniting us with LC, Heidi, Audrina, and the rest of Goof Troop. The show has been on hiatus for three months, which means almost anything could have happened and almost nothing will have happened. Nevertheless, in preparation for tonight’s show, I have a few predictions to make:

  1. Heidi’s face has melted off revealing the bio-mechanics of her titanium roboskeleton.
  2. Lauren is forced to go to court and admit that she’s actually the 45-year-old mother of five with a three-pack a day habit.
  3. It turns out Lo has been dead this whole time.
  4. Whitney moves to New York to continue her work with Kelly Cutrone and discovers that it’s hard to be the smartest girl in the room when you’re Whitney Port and you’re no longer in the room with Lauren Conrad.
  5. Spencer is arrested for no reason other than that it’s roundly agreed by everyone that he should go to jail.
  6. Justin Bobby is asked a simple yes or no question, but one that involves having some kind of intellectual enagement with the world, and his head falls off.
  7. Brody Jenner eats his own poop.
  8. Stephanie Pratt is confronted by Heidi about her wandering loyalties, so she eats Heidi. Literally. She then turns to the camera, her face streaked with blood and gore, and says “Give me my own show now please.”
  9. The parents of the entire cast are brought in for questioning by Child Services.

I don’t expect all of this to happen in the first episode, of course. They’ll pad out the drama with some light lunches at outdoor cafes and at least one Malibu beach party. Actually, at the rate in which things happen on this show, it might take years for all of these events to occur. Except for the Lo thing, they can’t prop that girl’s rotting (boring) corpse on waterskis for much longer.